Energy drunk/Energy drained

I don't think anyone reads this anymore.

My insomnia is kickin in. I can blame the energy drinks.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Mostly at night. Because my mind just drifts off to thoughts I don't want to think. Like what happens after all this? What if you leave me? I'm scared of life. I'm scared of the reality of mortality.

In my mind, I'm constantly thinking...there must be a heaven. There has to be one. And it drives me crazy. I need to keep my mind off of it because it's not a pretty subject to dwell on.

And then I start to worry about everyone I love and think when's the last time I hugged you? When's the last time we had fun together? Do I treat you right? And I can't help but think that I can be a better person and I can treat everyone that I love so much better than I already do. I just want to say because I haven't been there for a lot of people in a long time that you still mean the world to me...

To my parents: I love how you get weird cravings and drag us on family meals. And how you make us do progress reports of our lives. We are truly fortunate to have parents who truly care for us. And I'm sorry for everything I put you through, because you don't deserve it...you taught me how to be good.

To my sister: You're becoming my mini-me and you're growing up fast. We still have fun when we act like losers, and that's the best part about us. Because we are the weirdest people we know but that's ok.

To Antoine: Sorry I missed your birthday and I'm sorry I'll miss your graduation and I'm sorry I can't live with you next year. I think you have tons potential and you're a very intelligent kid. Be careful of the pitfalls, because you're walking all around them these days. And forgive your parents for being themselves, they're the only parents you got.

To Kathleen: I only make fun of you because you're my family. You know that it's all love. I'm proud of you. Not because you joined my organization, but because you have established a life in college and you're having fun while handling business. Be the role model I wasn't.

To Bryan: You probably won't read this, but there's something about you that everyone loves and everyone forgives. Even though I don't agree or respect how you are handling things in your life, you're my family and I can't hate you for that. I just hope that you realize the right things that you need to do before you already establish yourself in your daughter's life.

To Noemi: I haven't been there for you bud. I'm sorry that this year we haven't spent so much time together. I miss our random talks and our drives. I miss the sociables and being fun. Whenever we go out, I go back to the days when we would be the ones with the chap stick while everyone put on their lipstick. Partners. And I don't feel weird or sorry that I'm not like one of them.

To Nicole: You have changed so much from the Nicole I met almost four years ago. I'm proud of you. You made the leap out of the hole. I'm sorry we haven't really hung out like we used to. But I know you and me can always hang out and it will be like no time has passed. You're one of the few people I trust and feel comfortable around. You're one of my best friends, I don't know if you know that.

To Carley: I KNOW you won't read this one. But I feel bad that everytime you email me you want to catch up. You truly inspired me my first year in college. You helped to make it memorable. You are one of the ladies I really looked up to. One day we will catch up like the old days. I'll act like I'm not jaded, and you will be you.

To Dcruz: I know I can be a better friend to you. You do so much for me and I feel like sometimes I fall short. I'm never going to stop believing in you and your potential to be better. I still believe that you can do so many things in your life. I want you to go back to school and just prove it to yourself that you're not what you think you are. I want you to be happy. And don't settle.

To everyone else...this is not the perfect time to know me. You should have known me before! I was a better person. But slowly but surely, I'll get back to that. I'll get back to my mission.

It's love. It is love.