Elected.

Thinking a lot lately.
bout
the keepers and the leavers, though you never know for real who's a keeper, you never truly know until they leave.
staying power. resistance.
duty is duty, and yeah, we get sick of duty, but what needs to be done won't change until it's done. so do it.
i'm terrible at picking fights. i keep my mouth shut at the wrong times and yell back at even worse times.
i swear i would leave right now
impulses. you give in, you make a mistake. perhaps. maybe.
tired of my music.
tired of this rain, rain keeps me thinking. some people think staring out the window into the rain is beautiful but i'm thinking they had more to look at than an empty street.
stop time, but i think these are the times. these are the times that will set the tone. i won't be knocked down unless it's from myself pushing myself, and fuck im not getting knocked down.
but ya know, that's always what one says before the fall.
but i heard maybe in a song that it's not the fall that hurts it's when you hit the ground
and i can picture myself
hitting the ground.
but then i also heard that falling is different than jumping, because when you jump you choose where you land.
so if i know i'm about to fall or at least say so, doesn't that just make my fall a jump? you can stop what you know what will happen...

ain't that some shit?

it's not really a big deal to me that my parents found out about me drinking. but so let's go with this ok...

so in the past six months since i've moved back home my parents found out i have a tattoo, i'm on ap at school, and now that i drink. my mom is probably praying for me and hating me at the same time for all the things she hasn't told my dad. and my dad is ignorant and blissful. semi. they put a lot of trust in me, but i think they're trippin with their rules. i understand and all, but they're just trippin. i'm not stupid. there was maybe a time when that shit was questionable, but i'm not stupid. because everytime i think maybe...i turn around for them mostly. because i can't think of what i'm leaving behind.

but now, i'm rolling with the punches. i figure what makes it with me, will make it with me. family, fortunately or unfortunately is with me through the thick. i don't know where i'm going with this. ranting. i don't know how i changed or why...i think maybe it was that time my dad doubted me. but you do what you have to do to prove people big in your life like that wrong. or it could be at winter conference when i acknowledged my own doubt, attributed to the thing i put the most hope in failing...so i failed too. but you can't. you define yourself. you define yourself! people make me, but i figure out what that all means.

you get me?