Crimson and Clover

Over and over.

Uhm, it's easy as I-give-up.

Sheesh, tired of trying.

And it's as defeating as

oh-well.

Cool things: I got a new hat. haha. Kim's new place is quite big, Scrubs is pretty funny...kinda worried bout this weekend...always worried bout how to tell my parents I'm leaving and trying to evade questions...I hate work, and I work super early on Wednesday...I think I'm gonna go through the cash I just got from my paycheck hella quick, I'm burning holes through my pocket, man...Still not talkin to dad, that punk...but my car needs a tune-up and I don't wanna pay for it...Blah. And Blah. And Blah.

When did life get so boring? So unsatisfying? Geez it hit me when I didn't want to go home tonight, because I knew if I were to go home, I'd do this, which is sit and think and blog and blah blah blah...but I guess I can't complain that much. It ain't that bad.

This year is a snorefest, literally. Because for some reason I can't get enough sleep.

I got the strangest feeling, I get it sometimes. When you're just paranoid. Straight up paranoid. Like something is going to happen. I always get that...it scares me. Well.

Bye.

132am
man i can't fricken sleep. this cinnamon dolce latte i had earlier is killin me. i just spent three bucks on itunes. i never did that before. i am searching for that strengthcourageandwisdom. i am waiting for somethin to just hit. hit hard. waiting for an old feelin to come back. couple old feelins. trying to create a hope. scared of the things i might be missin...runnin too fast to stop to listen. is it that time to step out on faith? i feel like that's what i've been doin, but the truth is i've been bracing myself, i haven't been steppin out on nothin but hesitation. i miss old days. i miss the easy life. i miss when we didn't know each other. i hate searching for inspiration, i feel so lost. where'd you go? always elusive, always intrusive...so hard to find. you want what passes, no matter good or bad, everything looks better when you're looking back, because sometimes you don't want to face what's happenin now. time to live now. time to live. even if this is an idle year, let's not make it destructive. i can speak with all the hope of new beginnings, and the wisdom and wounds from old. babble. crazy talk. my luck goes like everything i think that's gonna end up good ends up bad, and everything i don't look forward to ends up being the shit i never want to end. drives me nuts. it happens everytime. psychotalkkk.

we got two weeks. two weeks till school starts again, and i swear i'mma cry on that day. because this is for real the make it or break it.

it occurred to me that if dad never yelled at me and if we never got in that fight, i wouldn't be done with the shit he wanted me to do. maybe my motivation is in proving shit hard in spite. because i hate being told what to do, i hate when people talk to me like shit, i hate when i feel underrated, underestimated, unnoticed. it's only human. but i think i'm finally starting to figure out what drives me. i'll stay mad at dad forever if it means i'll be done with school faster. HAH. ok, no. cause he pays my bills. hahaha.

what i wouldn't give for an hour to go back. to any time. any time that part of the times. the good times. ya know? stuck here jaded on i-love-you oclock at night. man i'm waiting....

cmon already. i was listening to those class songs tonight making the cd, and they each played without a feeling in me. got scared for a second. maybe i grew past it, or not even grew, but grew numb to the hope in it.

well if it's lost, it's lost. start fresh. gotta get used to this feeling.