the requiem

I can't fuckin sleep. Don't ask me why.

So today at work was crazy. Thanks for visiting Noemster, never again will I try to eat at Pluto's unless I'm with an experienced Pluto diner, but it's cool, hot dogs are fulfilling as well.

Feels cool to share the stress of the retail holiday season with equally miserable people as I. Turned down a beer pong invite tonight. Don't feel like drinking, I'm saving it for tomorrow. Otherwise, I'll need a fill up by MONDAY. Oh man, that's just horrible. I have a good amount of money in my account and I don't wanna blow it on stuff I pee or puke out.

Until after Christmas, that is. Hopefully I get that bonus! Then shit, I'mma have a lot of fun. Plus...save for books...plus...pay my dad back...plus. I don't know.

Too much caffeine today. Gah. My cousin bought me some Starbucks Liquer because we were both wondering if there were such things as Jittery Drunks. I know for a fact that there are because you should see the fuckers that come in and ask for help all jumpy and you can smell the alchy on their breaths, but I just want to know if I can become one. That's me, always experimenting with alcohol. He also told me that I should start drinking wine now so I can become a Wino instead of an Alcoholic. I told him to remind me when I become an alcoholic. He also said that Bloody Mary's are good for hangovers (I hate them though), and I told him to remind me when I become an alcoholic. Yeah, we walked around for a while in BevMo just looking at shit, like staring in the case of Vodka and looking at all the new imported shit. Fuck, I remember when that shit had the more expensive Smirnoff, Goose, and some other "high-end" vodka, which of course is not high-end anymore.

Did I tell you how much I love manong?

Oy, I remember having to sneak that shit up to my dorm room. Poor Manong, had to carry my duffel bag full of bottles. I learned the tricks. Like, you gotta cushion the bottles in the bag with clothes, or else you can hear the liquid moving or the bottles clank. if they're in plastic bags, you just gotta carry a lot more with it so you can't see it. Then there were days when I was too damn broke to afford liquor. That was 2nd year. And now there are days when I have to sneak that shit to my ROOM. Hah. Times change.

They hella change.

Must say, I didn't even realize that it's almost Christmas. Hah, today my Supervisor came up to me and asked if I could work an extra day during the week next week (Wednesday 2-1030pm), and then casually informed me that the week after Christmas (starting Christmas Eve!) I'll be working the early shifts, which start at 5am. Like she's doing me a favor. Thanks, Anjie. You stole my nights, and keep my days busy with catching up sleep.

Gotta love Winter Break. Actually, hate it already. Better than Summer? Really?? Hah. What a joke. Nah, same as Summer, or maybe even worse.

But damn, Summer was awesome though, when I think about it. My sister and I were talking the other day and we were like damn, when are the parents going to just leave us alone again? Hah. Because wow, I had like three weeks of this BIG HOUSE to myself most of the time, drank beers with dinner, drank beers in the daylight in my kitchen, in my room, in the family room, drank with my LITTLE COUSINS (who aren't little anymore), had the freedom to go out to eat with Noemi after coming home from a concert. DAMN. I miss that freedom. Fuck what didn't happen. The shit that did happen was quite cool. I did get a damn kick out of paying the bills and being responsible for watering the grass every other day. I owned this house.

But I felt like shit for the stuff that was happening around me, so I drank it off. Asked for company. Blah. Who cares now. Not me, not really.

But now there's even more shit happening around me and I feel like I don't want to acknowledge it. I feel selfish because I can't pick up the phone and call, I don't have the strength to. I mean, here's people who fuckin had a hand in raising me, who helped my family out so much, who helped me out personally so damn much since I started college and I can't talk to them. I don't know how to help, I don't know what to say, I don't know if I can pretend normal is what we call now. I just want to say sorry, sorry that everything is happening, and I just wish it could be me instead, because they've done so much and everyone needs them still, and me...I'm just a kid that keeps fucking up, I don't have nearly as many people that need me, I only have the potential to be as needed as they are. That's the thing that kills me the most about NOW. Everytime in the car, I play "Guernica" and I scream the words

I'm not letting you check out, You will beat this starting now, You will always be around...

I feel like a kid. I don't have the words to say, I'm speechless. A mute adult, but I'm really just scared like a kid. Agh, I hate how my ma begs us to call...

guilt comes easily.

I wish sleep came that easily.

That a lot of things came that easily.

But it's cool. That's life. It's how we take it. Lately, I've been crossing stuff off my to-do lists. Those calls remain. They're unwritten, but they're in the back of my brain, suspended by strings in my heart...things I have to do. Just to know that I did it, and I said what I wanted them to hear...that's all.

And wow, I haven't seen my family in a damn long time. I miss my cousins. A lot. I miss our random adventures. Fuckin reminiscing. Wow, they're growing up. I've been...deflating. I guess.

And geez, I miss faces. Faces of ones I know are around, but never see.

Lookin forward to...don't know. Christmas Eve? I have a few presents left to get, like stuff for my Pang and Nanay, because we always have Christmas on Christmas Eve for my dad's side. If I forgot any of the littluns, I'll just give them a 20, or just let them take a shot in my room. Whatever is cool.

I'll be working a lot. Weeks will be flying. Next thing you know, time to go to LA, then BAM. Second semester and the ride begins all over again.

Just to let you know, this is my last try. Because if I don't pass them classes this next semester, I think I'll be kicked out. So...hopefully. Otherwise, MARY D., time to apply to our thing in Boston...or...New York? It will be time to follow the path of the lost ones, hopefully find ourselves there.

Well, this has turned out to be a long one. I think I might be tired. Not sure. Too lazy now to take my sedative. But this is what I do best anyway...blahblahblog.

You know what a requiem is? Song for the dead. Requiem for a Dream? Song for a dream, which is dead. Hah.

Hopefully, DMBs can hang out before TPizzle goes to the PI, Nar can cook me some lobster, because I've never had lobster in my damn life, Noemi and I won't have to hustle to drink in the car, because buddy, ya owe me beers, ya said so! (I love you) haha. Hopefully, this Winter freezes over old wounds and buries them in the cold. And for new ones? Hopefully the cold won't open them up. And hopefully my cuzzos and I have a cool New Year's like last year...played LIFE. Ain't it ironic? We played LIFE, and they say what you do when the clock strikes midnight will be what you will do for the whole year. I played LIFE, kinda fell asleep, and talked to Fran who called from the PI. UHM, kinda close to what I did this year...haha kinda.

And it gets longer. I plan on ending this soon. Or maybe I should write until 5 oclock...oh hell no. Gotta sleep and get up in a little. Stupid work, once again. Well, noon ain't so bad. It would suck if I had to work at 6, then I just wouldn't bother sleeping.

bah. humbug.

A millstone around my neck...be my breath...there's nothing i wouldn't give.

Happy Saturday. Taking a deep breath now...lemme say that again...say it like I mean it.

HAPPY SATURDAY!

And I'm gone. Cough cough in the dust of retreat.