It's comin to your head

Don't read this one if you don't care.



Somedays you break the best things you have.

Remember...rainy days like these. They remind me of days I never liked. Days I waited out. Waited through. Seems I wait through Winters, struggle through Springs and when Summer comes I'm finally happy. Then by Fall, it hits me that everything leaves.

And everything falls.

Remember whens. Remember when we ran into the sunset. The one time in my life I ever said "Let's run into the sun." I miss chasing the feeling. What's it like to feel "infinite?" They're the days you feel like never ending, the days you feel the most alive, the days you want to stay forever and ever, even if you know that it can't get any better than it is at that moment. Days you feel infinite are the days that make all the downfalls worth it. The days you feel the most loved. They're days you feel the most ambitious, the most glad for everything you've ever known.

I miss chasing the feeling.

One day the chase stopped. Maybe we got ahead of ourselves. Are we all lost at the same time, or is it just me? I don't want you to be lost. Just be found. And even if I look on and look at you and don't recognize you without the agony...times like these, I understand.

To feel infinite: to go on forever: to live: to be happy. Or just be aware.

Chase the feeling? I know I've felt this before. I know I've had times where I've felt the most alive. Days I never wanted to end. Days I felt the most loved. Those days make these downfalls worth it. Those days make me look forward to more days. Those days are gone. Those days are coming.

A part of me wants to write everyone out of my life. Out of anger. Out of hate. Out of knowledge that we can't be outdone. Out of knowledge that what has gone will never come again. That's a part of me.

There's this other part. We like being lost because it's all we'll ever be. And these nights hit me like a knife in my throat. They catch my breath. Make me realize...that I'm breathing. And now the breathing has stopped. You pull the knife out and blood comes pouring out. Makes you realize that you're alive. That's the liquid of life.

I feel so bad like it's time to leave. To start over or else start again. Or else figure out how to resurrect something long dead. Or else, it can't be here. I told you, running and leaving is what I do best, and I always just end up here. With a knowledge of what I'm missing and a knowledge of what I've missed.

Come back with new things. With new eyes. New thoughts.

I guess right now, I'm sitting alone. And maybe I feel a little...definite. Not so infinite. Because I know the lines that will confine me.