All I have.

Reasons to be happy: I fricken feel like I'm understanding my classes. Physics is easy as long as I focus. Chemistry is all comin back...kinda. And Leisure, FUCK IT'S LEISURE!! Gotta love hanging out with our "inner children."

I have a lot to work towards and a lot to look forward to.

Yeah...this academic year is feeling alright. It's feeling better. Slowly I'm finding that I didn't lose any ethic, I didn't lose anything, I gained some shit and put the old shit away while I focused on the new stuff. Which ya...is the story of my life. "on to the next" should be my philosophy. Or best describes it anyways. Explains why my cousins and I are the biggest quitters. The most casual dabblers. It explains why I'm not specifically talented. It explains why I'm frightened to accept life as being stable. Because what's stable?

I feel like I traded in two years of fun for what I should have been doing. And as a result, I feel so far away from everyone and everything. It used to feel good to be separate. But then I remember what living here made me feel. Ya know...the lack of...belonging. Kind of. I went out and tried to avoid it...but I ended up in the same spot. I ended up going in a circle and I can't avoid it. So it's like...where do I belong now?

Realistically...I need to get out of here. I should not have chosen SFSU. If there's any hope of graduating soon, I have to go to another school because SF ain't hackin it with availability. But I don't wanna leave. Because of what I'll be leaving mostly.

Leaving something is the hardest thing to do. Starting over...that's pretty easy. But the knowledge of what you left...that's the killer. Transition is hardest that way...when you left for your best interest and it goes against everything you want.

All I have is a temporarily clean car and my room is my home. I could think of nowhere else to sleep. Two years of missing my bed and now I'm in it.

Apparently...this is harder than I thought. Because the city didn't hurt me, I hurt myself. So I left the city...but should I have just left myself? If it's possible. Hah. It's going to take a while, and in the meanwhile...I'm settin down some roots...and I need to think about whether what I need is more important than what I'm comfortable with.

Someday I'll be gone...who knows how you'll feel...but I'll probably feel like this...