Praying for the new.

Don't you hate it when you read something old that you wrote, and you can't figure out who it was that said that? Or who it was you said it to? Even though you know perfectly well who you are, and you know perfectly well who you said it to, the fact of the matter is that people change and there ya go--you changed. Both sides of the hypothetical situation. And the reason that you hate it, if you hate it, is that you either wish you were still there, or you wish that never happened.

I'm watching 21 Grams, not the kind of movie you want to drink to. Because you won't stop. Waterfall effect. Like in Kings. Because I guess it's one of those movies you have to learn from, but what's the learning when you're only watching and doing what the characters are doing. Minus snorting. Minus...

Last night on the Mass Pike...

things could be different. If only if only if only if only, if only I moved out of this place, farther than 40 minutes.

The trick: The trick and the cure. Separate myself. Once and for all. My life. It's different. So stop looking back, drown out the noise. So you hear laughter in the other room, but you're trying to do your work in yours. Who says you have to stop what you're doing? Fuck, sometimes you have to sacrifice the fun to get the work done. Yeah it sucks. Yeah, you wish you were there laughing. But someone has to do the damn work, YOUR work, and only you can. Drown out the laughter. And look at what's in front of you. Maybe later you can join. But not this time...so let others have their fun. Let others laugh. You'll get yours.

I never listen to myself. I just write what I think I should be doing.