backtracking

Sometimes it's good to backtrack, sometimes it's bad.

Thursdays and Fridays. Those days always stand out for me. They give me this feeling, I can't explain it. Uhm...more vulnerable? Like...a little less secure...I always know why, but I never really acknowledge it. And the reason is kind of weird and it's pretty stupid. So when I was little, until like...8th grade, my ma and my aunt worked together and they had schedules based on when they could babysit us. So it was me, my sister, my cousins Gerald and Bryan. Monday through Wednesday were my mom's days off, so she always picked us up from school and we went to our house. Thursdays and Fridays were my aunt's days off, so we went there after school. Then off course weekends, Dad was off. Some Saturdays he worked though and we had to sleep at my aunt's house. But yeah, so anyways, that's why I feel like that on Thursdays and Fridays because I would always wait for my mom, like look at the clock and wait for 6 o'clock when she would pick us up. I mean, yeah we had fun, but I hated being on my best behavior for so long, and it always gave me this really weird feeling like I could do something wrong and totally kill my image hahaha. Yeah, but I never really cried when I had to sleep over, except for one time, it was the Olympics, ya know the one when Muhammad Ali lit the torch. I don't know why I cried. Hah. So I'm spilling all my guts out on here why? I don't know.

I do remember that one day my Inang died. Actually, I think that was the same weekend I cried for no reason? Wow...I never connected it. Heh. Crazy, I'm trippin, I'll probably have a weird dream now...fuck. But yeah, so anyways, I didn't want to sleep over and I was about to call my dad and demand that he take us to Toys R' Us for some barbies when my Tita told me that he didn't go to work, and then I asked why, and she said because my Inang died. So then I called him. And then we went to my Nanay's house, it was my Nanay's mother who died, and she hugged me and cried for a long time, and I had no choice but to cry too. Yeah, I was nine then. I even wrote a eulogy which is probably the best shit I've ever written, but I never spoke it. I don't think I could even speak to her when she was in the hospital. I was too scared to speak. Scared to cry mostly. In front of my dad. Mostly. And that's the only time I never said Goodbye. So I make sure to say Goodbye to everyone I love and push them away before I can lose them. I was her favorite.

Uhm, still don't know why I'm saying this. In other news, The Last Kiss is a pretty damn good movie. You should watch it. Uhm...what else...Friday was fun? Yea, do you concur? I thought so. Entertaining. I just need to not fall asleep. That should be my goal forever. Don't go to sleep. It's not going to work though. hah. Nope.

Fricken scheduled 7:30-4 tomorrow. Ugh. FRICKEN A. And you know what, I NEVER take my breaks. I always take a lunch but not the breaks. I'm so dedicated. FUCK. Haha...I hate these 8-hr days, but then I'm only working Friday next for four hours, so I'm kinda disappointed. These new bitches are taking my hours. Jerks. Oh yeah, so the new people are pretty lazy haha. I think I taught them that. But at least I'm good at helping people. Geez, that's what it's all about! Cmon!

I'm so tired, but I'm so hyper. What's up with that? I'mma be dead tomorrow. They're gonna love me. NOPE. Seeeeee ya.