lag.jet.

I can't sleep again. I don't think I'm really even tired anymore. Let's see...right now in the Philippines though, it'd be right about time to sleep. 10pm.

Ohyeah, did I tell you I gained like five pounds. I should tell you now so you're not shocked when you see me. My gut has extended. Partial beer belly. So I can partially work it off. Which I will. Watch. I'll be so bored, I'll try to catch up and take care of myself. (Likelihood of this happening: 40%) haha...I know myself too well. Well, there will be a lack of food and funds when the parents are away...which begins in about three days. We'll probably be living off fourth of July leftovers for like a week. Oh yes...there ya go...that's what college feels like. Thought living at home would make it different. But I guess RAMEN IT IS! Hah.

So my ma has resorted to texting now. She must be really bored. I wonder if it's really her texting or if she has someone else texting for her. Oh well, ain't no thing to me...texting ain't no thing.

Did I also mention how time passes in the Philippines? Oh so slow. Oh SO slow.

I guess I'll tell ya the rest about the trip. Savior: SATELLITE TELEVISION. Thank God for Grandpa's little tv and 40 channels. My sister and I watched old seasons of shows we never watched here and MTV Philippines (which is cool, I wish I remembered what bands we heard so I could download it). Whenever kids came, I put it on cartoons as sort of a communicating bridge. "You like cartoons?" (weird hand gesture from me; nod from them plus or minus looking at me like i'm crazy).

What else? Got a fuckin facial. That fuckin hurt. Geez. I started tearing, and she stopped, but I was like, Just fuckin do it. I was kinda mad at her towards the end hahaha. Yeah that was a grumpy day.

We lost baggage, and I was the one to tell my dad on the phone and of course thus was the one who got the yelling. Scared the shit out of me. And then to top it off, my pop found out about my phone a day before we left for the airport so I was shitting my pants thinking he'd kill me. When I got home, I got a little scold and he told me he paid my parking ticket, which I completely forgot about.

I had hella headaches. Thought I was gonna fuckin start hemmorrhaging, I swear. Hurt like hell. I was numb for a while...cold, covered myself in a blanket. I thought I had a fever. Then I took two advil and felt better, everytime. Hah. Go advil.

I liked when my grandma said Ay, puta! haha...

Read some newspapers and am now a little more informed about Philippine news. hahaha...

I didn't get to drink. We saw Emperador Brandy everywhere and I asked everytime if we could buy a bottle to bring home, but my ma is so lame. And she kept asking why I kept asking for alcohol. BAH. I just wanted to taste anyways. Dad woulda let me...PFFFTTT.

Gah the pillows were hard as rocks. Maybe that's why I'm having trouble adjusting back to the softness of my pillows. I'm used to my back being STRAIGHT and DIAGONAL because the pillows were hella high. GAH.

Got our hair did. PFT. My hair didn't work hahahaha. STRUGGLE AND RESISTANCE. Maintaining curly hair, fuck that's STRUGGLE. Your thick, curly hair will not go straight through any type of chemical treatment, FUCK THAT'S RESISTANCE! haha. It's cool though, I just need help from an iron.

Greater appreciation for Grandpa. I don't know why. I was thinkin when I first got there, I wish I knew him when everyone was so scared of him. I wish I knew him when he wasn't too tired to do anything but sit. But I did. I don't know when he got too tired for all that...Didn't keep track.

Yeah, my favorite thing was seeing all the green. Checkin the landscapes. Not in the city, the cities are ugly and congested. Sorry, but they are. Nature! What is that?! I don't see much of it here. Sights so simple. OOF.

It seems like I do a lot of complaining, a lot of negative comments, but nah, it was okay. It was good. It was different. It was eye-opening. It definitely wasn't what I expected. I wish my dad were there though, because he knows the meaning of VACATION. My ma just wanted to go get halo halo everyday, go to CVC, (DUDE AT THE CVC IT'S A GROCERY STORE WITH CLOTHES ON THE TOP FLOOR! WTF.) go to the palengke. If my dad were there, we would have ridden caribaos. Haha...But it was cool. Hella chill. Like for real...that's vacation there...we didn't have to do anything. It was all taken care of. My grandma is like the BOSS lady there, so she just made the arrangements and shit and we were good. But now we're home. Got home shit to worry about. School. Blah. Money. My ma still got no job. Blah. But she's still there. And soon my dad will be too.

I don't know. Lately, I guess I'm still in super chill mode. Seeing all that, I know there are things I have to do. I see that my grandpa really doesn't have a lot of time here left, and he just wants to see one of us graduate from college. Man, I'll work my ass off. I fuckin swear. I will. He just needs to hold off for three more years tops. It's me or manong...I know I have to be grateful for the things we have. Hella, compared to people there. It's so different. Ya know, I wish things were different though. I wish we could help, but the whole country is like that. Where do you start? How do you begin? Fixing. I don't know. It's a precious history though. A proud people, prone to troubles we all know too well. I'm really proud to come from there. I just wish I knew better. ya know? I felt guilty for wanting to come home, selfish. And now I'm home and I still kinda wish I were there...just chill. No worries. It's okay.

I was writing in my journal. People there love America so much, I wonder who of them will make it here, and why they love it. They come here, they'll be inundated with work, everyday--work. Work for a better life. Or they could fuck up with America's many poisons. Either way, our country is waiting to exploit those eager for the dream we all share. But fuck, as much as I think this, I can't help but love the country I was born in. Think about how fuckin lucky we are to be here. And then there's a pull--because this is the country that makes my people hurt.

It's a push and pull.

I don't know if this seems like a morbid entry. I'm really not very morbid right now. maybe as of this moment because i'm the only one awake and light is coming in...kind of sad. But eh. Plus hormones. i've been crying like all over the place. haha...softie. But...after all that...HUM DUM. I'm very HUM DUM.

So we watched Superman. I love Superman. Superman or Batman? Fuckin Superman any day. I mean Batman is cool, I just like Superman way better. Uhm. YEAH.

I think I'll try to sleep now. Good MORNING.