This is not an exit.

Sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back, to breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have.

I'm honest. I don't try to hide the truth if I'm caught. I'll spill you my guts and let my heart fall to the floor. I make mistakes. I know what I do wrong and I know it's wrong when I do it, and when the person leaves, I know I did it. And it kills me that I did it. And I kill myself in turn. And I've tried to kill myself so many times, but I find that I can't go through with it because I am too selfish I can't figure out how to leave even the things I hurt. And so my being keeps hurting everyone I love.

Yes, I will hurt you. I'll hurt you now or later, and I'll continue to even when I say sorry. Note as you're reading all the times I've done that to you. Go ahead and count them, and even if it's not many, it's still something. I'll only just hurt you.

Because I only just hurt everything.

I am so fucking sorry. I am so fucking sad. I'm so fucking tired of being the way I am. Dude I'm tired of looking back on past entries and keep seeing the same shit. The same kinds of entries. The same lines, and repeated titles.

Man if I could run away, I would. I so would. But I'm too scared and selfish and I know I won't do it. I'm such a coward. Don't LOVE ME. DON'T CARE. PLEASE. TEACH ME A LESSON AND HURT ME. I deserve all of the pain I get. I deserve blood on the floor. I deserve the cold. I deserve it all. I'm so wrong all the time. I shiver with sadness. I shiver in the sun. Because I'm guilty.

I'm sorry because I love everything, and it hurts me when I hurt you. It really does. And I'm sorry that once you had to see how I hurt myself. I'd die for you. I really would. Please believe me. I'll die right now if you asked me to. I won't look back anymore. Because nothing will ever be the same because of everything that has happened. I'm so sorry. You can't see me while I write it. I'm tired of avoiding the shit we can't talk about.

Remember. I'm too proud to say sorry sometimes. And I become numb when I realize that I've been caught. I'll do anything for my parents to not stop believing I am not the failure I've become. I'll do anything for my sister to not believe that she can't do anything. I'd do anything for these new people in my life to not see all of these years of regret. I'll do anything for my cousins and my sister to BE BETTER THAN ME. I'm becoming what they told us not to be. Just pass me up already. Just leave me. I don't care. I said I didn't want to be left behind, but it's for the best, and if it's for the best, then let it be.

Fuck it. Man. I'm being honest. This is all I want in life. I don't give a fuck. I'm so fucked up. I'm a mess. I'll never clean up. I'll never be able to. So just kill me. Because I can't kill myself. We already established that.

Dude I'm sorry. I can't look you in the face no more.