we could see the world

We could see the world, if only we weren't too busy to make it out to the car.

Mannn, word of the week: SWAMPED. Work or school, that's all it is. Napping is a friggin luxury. I wish I had more of that. And I really would like to sleep earlier, like before 3 every night, but that's just fuckin impossible. Of course, everything here is really tense because none of us can afford to fail and we're all trying really hard, but our biggest obstacles remain to be ourselves.

I wish I could go home. It just makes me feel better to go back there, like somewhere out there I can always go back to someplace...yeah and even though sometimes my attitude is "anywhere but here," I realize that I miss my mom's warmth, my dad's hopes for the best, and even if my sister doesn't act like it, her excited stories telling me about her day. I feel like a daughter, a big sister, someone somewhat important. Here I feel like I'm in constant turmoil. Like everything is just a big joke, somewhere someone is laughing, I bet. There's always something to be sorry about. There's something to cry about. There's something to stress about. There's never enough time for anything. I can't breathe. I can't step back. I can't sleep.

Sometimes I would like to just escape my life for a moment, and hope that life would go on without me, people just wouldn't care or act hurt by my withdrawal, because honestly, sometimes I need to be alone...

I guess at home that was a love/hate thing. Loved being alone. Resented being alone. It seemed easier there. Because there was not really anyone else, cept Noemi, but who would have guessed that she would be the friend that made it past high school with me. No offense, or anything...

Life sure surprises sometimes.

On the "fuck up" meter, I don't know where I'm at. Now I have the time to count, so I think I might fail Biology...I think I might fail Eroticism if I don't do my paper...My attendance sucks in the other classes, but it's better than last semester...I just don't want to face my parents again and do the same old dance, telling them that I'll be better and sooner or later they'll have the chance to be proud of me again.

AHHHHH...

It doesn't hit me how sad I can be until I am all alone at night, and I really have time to think...

Damn...REWIND. PLAY. STOP. PAUSE. FAST FORWARD. NO NO NO. SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN SLOW DOWN SLOW DOWN.

I lost it. Where am I???

I'm too busy. Forget it. I'll find myself later. I'm just living.

Sometime next week, I shall schedule my escape. And my return.

I want to be inspired. Inspire me.