apathy is a sickness

I was listening to my CD on my way home, and the songs that usually evoke feelings in me, don't. Maybe my heart is tired of being sad for now. Needs to recharge to have something to be fucked up about. I'm a pessimist. It used to be like, everything will be okay. Everything will work out. Everything will be taken care of. But now, it's like, I'm going to fuck up again. I'm waiting to fuck up again. No surprise, I fucked up. I'm just waiting again.

And I was trying to figure out how to stop this cycle of self-hatred. I don't know how. Because as much as I want to stop making the same mistakes, I fall victim to my own emotions. I think, I have to have something consistent in my life. Like a word or a phrase to get me to live right. I was listening to the last part of my newly made mix.

Modest Mouse "One Chance"
We have one chance.
One chance to get everything right.
We have one chance, one chance.
And if we're lucky we might.

My friends, my habits, my family,
they mean so much to me.
I just don't think that it's right.
I've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again and go off sinking.

I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.

Didn't mean to laugh, didn't know I had.
Didn't know the better part of what you said
cuz in your head you are not home.
Didn't get the joke.
Didn't mean to poke another,
just to save myself from some something
something or another one.

Well walk home.

I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box, just a box in a cage.
I'm just a box in a cage.

We have one chance,
one chance to get everything right.
My friends, my habits, my family,
they mean so much to me.
I just don't think that it's right.
I've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again and go off sinking.

I think we should all start livin like we only have one chance to get things right, so we live fully. Easier said than done, I know, I know. You know. We know.

But then again

I can do anything depending on the task...
i know my expectations are high,
but I refuse to lay low
No compromises, only improvises
from what I manifest in the mind
even if they say no I follow through if it's true.

Better wished than done. LET'S DO IT. I haven't said that for real, in life action talk, I haven't said that in a long time.