Fix me.

Before I say shit, I gotta work out the kinks in myself. Juanita has a knack for making me listening to shit that makes me think...brings me inside...cuts me deep, I'm in...I'm out.

So she gave me a CD, it's 3:14 AM, and no, I don't know why I have to type it out, or why I have to put it out there for public view, maybe I just like to live in a window...even if my life ain't all that interesting to look at. But track 4...I played it. Because the title was "Tired of Sad Thoughts"...true. So I fuckin woke up from my nap today, and I don't know, I guess my dream was sad, because I just wasn't feelin cool after. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Here's the words...because I feel it....I'm feelin it

"Tired of Sad Thoughts" by Stephen Pickens
Tired of the sad thoughts that run through my mind that change my mood with one quick picture implanted in my head of some evil shit
And I watch it turn me quickly into a person that I've grown to hate
A Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario
And the pictures
always represent somethin that I don't like
Or
Something out of the desire that isn't in my reach and that affects my ego and starts to swallow my self-esteem and it tries to squeeze every ounce of hope that I got out of me...
My own thoughts are attempting to destroy me
Into my own fears that hold me back from what I should be doin
It's a war that I have to plan for everyday and strategically play out all by myself 24/7 so the weaknesses that i carry don't destroy me
like that of Samson in the Bible when he let his desire for Delilah overtake himm and in the end kill him--his weakness for women being his enemy
And mine's
is the very person that i trust most in this world
MYSELF.
And if I'm battling this person, then who can I trust?
Who will have my back?
and how will I finally get this motherfucker to surrender?
My brain grows weary of thinkin of different tactics and defense mechanisms to escape the next hurdle that awaits me and tries to stop me and continues to grow higher to pause my advancement for bein the next challenge that's prepared for me
My own Self Conscious wants me to lose the battle of life and THAT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME
What will I do against the one person who knows all about fears and weaknesses and who could therefore contemplate a plot to defeat me then surround me like the indians did to Custard, and execute my existence, then the white flag can't be thrown up it's too late and I'm beat that quick,
it's that easy for me to be destroyed
and if this happens mentally
then what will happen to me physically??
It could be as little as thoughts of doubt
or
it could be as tragic as suicidal hormones flarin up as i scream like a banshee growin insane
all i know is that i'll deteriote from the inside
and eventually become moldy on the outside
then i will become that person that I hate completely
I don't think I can take that kind of metamorphosis again
That would be taking a giant step backwards
And goin back to those years that I couldn't handle life
If I had that kind of mentality at the age I am now...
I don't know what my reaction would be
Not that long ago but a drastic change I overtook
This is what happens when sad thoughts enter my mind
and begin to take over slowly
I don't want it to be like that anymore though
I just want to think happy thoughts like Peter Pan and Neverland
and never have to deal with the bullshit of not only this world but also my own
I wouldn't have to deal with reality
I guess that's the root of the problem
I have to cope with what is going on all around me in the stress of my own life
and that takes my mind to a depressed reality
whre my thoughts are controlled by a pupetter who happens to be myself
and who knows how to make myself sad better than me?
and my subconscious uses that against me
and basically gives me what I don't want
THAT'S A TRIP
but tryin to explain this to my own brain
is so harder than to another
i guess that's why it's still going on inside my head
SHIT, I SAID ALMOST THE SAME THING ABOUT A YEAR AGO
and i'm still fightin the civil war in the cerebral cortex
the one that's gonna really test the kind of (woman) i am
and right now
i'm not doin so good
I'm losin
but winnin at the same time
because I got the power to do whatever I want
But still...
it's so hard..
I don't know what to do
I feel like Mr. Hyde take over but if I do the type of person I become will be beyond my control and I don't know what the outcome will be...
SO I'LL FIGHT TO STOP THE TRANSFORMATION from happenin, and I never stop
SO WHEN YOU WALK BY ME
KNOW THAT I'M IN A RAMPAGE INSIDE MY HEAD AND NO HARD FEELINS FOR ANY OF MY ACTIONS SEEMIN TO BE STRANGE SOME OF THE TIME
I got a lot of shit on my mind..
The war is on.
So please...
PRAY FOR ME.

Words right out of my brain. This is a battle that goes on. Every fucking day. That's why I say everyday is motherfucking revolution, because I fucking live and die everyday, but no one fucking sees. And I try to blame it on shit, like on the people in my life, or being home makes me sad, or fucking sad because of whatever.

Mothefucker, I'm tired of being sad. And I don't know how or why I get like this so often, or how a motherfucker can get so sad in such a short fucking time, but I'm fucking sick of this. Man, I don't see no one else, fucking moping around, drowning in the shit in their heads.

I'm fucking drowning. Flailing my arms, everything. And I get out. But over and over again, I fall in and drown again, and I don't know what the FUCK is wrong with me. Because I want to be happy, I really do, and those times I just look around to realize why I'm alive--those are the most beautiful moments I can think of...but then I just get bogged down, like FUCK that'll never happen again...or I have to wait until the next time to get out of this hole.

I could write forever. Because I don't think I'll have a good dream tonight.

I keep telling myself the same shit over and over again. Keep playin the same person, the same shit, but motherfucker, how many scrapes and bruises do I give myself...on the inside. How many motherfucking blows to the head do I need to get this shit out of there forever?

So now you know the real me. That I live in those words. My life, maybe it should be contained in a pill like most of America, but I'm scared to see if this is real...I'm scared for someone to say that I have a problem, even if I'm positive I do...because then it makes this all real, and all these feelings...all that hope, I know that...I KNOW...that it's not permanent. Hope is temporary, then...a filler. Yeah...........

How many times do I go through this...

And still not know how to fix myself? This is gonna be life for me, huh... I'm all torn up about it already.

And of course, you'll read this. Of course, and you won't say anything to me about it, because I don't have a problem to you, I'm just whining...or I'm weak. Yeah, I am. You would be too, if these thoughts came and went periodically for years...and your life's short enough already. I'd like to say that this is a new wound, but the scars keep getting worse and worse...But don't say anything to me about it, of course, because that'll put us both in weird places, won't it...? Fuck, do me a favor and just don't, because likelihood is that I'll be up by that time anyways...and when I come back down...you might not know or see, but it'll happen.

Don't move the world if you can't handle the consequences. My head is fucked up enough already.