you know what

You know what's weird? So these past...how many days? I dunno...I think I should recap. I dunno why...

Monday:
First day of Summer School, blah blah blah, you know all about it. For some reason, time doesn't drag on forever in that class, it's just right, which is cool. It's the teacher, maybe, she's engaging. I feel like the audience instead of the student, and the activities are actually interesting. Though sometimes they're confusing...hah. Then went bowling at Cloverleaf, man, I just suck huh. I didn't suck when I went with my mom though...wth. Anyway that was cool...kinda random. In-N-Out after, naturally, I bet we pissed them off coming in like 10 minutes before closing. Sorry empoloyees of In-N-Out. To avoid getting our asses kicked we just took it to go and chilled at Noemster's for a while, listening to Jason freak us out about weird things that I can't remember.

Tuesday:
I can't remember what I did...hah. Weird...No, I remember. I went out with my mom and sister, we went to the mall after my mom came home from some place. Yup, that's her exercise, I guess...hah. Well she had to drag us out, and then when we got there we just had some Cinnabon, of course, what else. hahaha. Then my cousin came from Vacaville to stay for the night. I don't remember what we did...uhh YES I REMEMBER. We sang karaoke for hours. hahahaha, LOSERS!

Wednesday:
Early start. Motherfucker. Because I thought I was going to drive my cousin Gerald to Mission. But instead my Aunt and Cousin Jig from Vacaville came over early at 10, and I had to drop my Tita off at the bank, then go home and there were more kids at my house...my cousin Mary Grace and Mac Mac. Hah. Yeah I know, the names. Well yeah, so then I felt bad because Grace and Mac didn't eat breakfast, so I tried to ask them what they wanted, but they wanted breakfast from McDonald's which was too late, and then they wanted lunch, but it was too early, so I told them to just wait until 11. They all asked for Plain Cheeseburger Happy Meals with Sprites, except for Mac who nonverbally communicated that he wanted Chicken Nuggets. And they all didn't eat their fries. Hah. Anyway, watched tv for a while, more cousins came, Kyle and Andrew, Grace and Mac left. Kyle and Andrew Left. Had to pick up other cousin Kathleen. Then I had class, left at 3:30...class got out ten minutes late. Sucks. When I got home everybody was gone. Except for Kathleen, but she's always here. Anyway, that was last night. I stayed up and printed out some pictures...or tried to. Hah.

Thursday:
Early start again. Woke up at 10, watched ER, it was the episode where Mark Green died. Broke my heart, and made me bawl again, gosh, gets me everytime. Watched Dawson's Creek for a while, but then I decided that they were too damn dramatic for the morning time. Woke my sister up so she could come with Gerald and me to Mission. Got ready and picked Gerald up around noon. Went to Mission, and waited for Gerald to apply and all that junk. Then we went to In-N-Out, naturally, reminisced or whatever about childhood...talked about stuff. Good food....It amazes me that even though my cousin Gerald is only a year younger than me, I still feel so much older, I almost feel like somewhat of an aunt or a mom to my cousins. I feel so proud to hear him talk of getting out of here, shows he has drive...and ambition, and honestly, maybe I never considered any of my cousins to be capable of that, because I see them as people I have to take care of. But they don't need taking care of, just a little help sometimes. And we were just talkin bout our childhood and stuff, and he thinks his mom didn't raise him, like his parents barely raised him, but they really did, I think, I mean they practically raised me, they were my second set of parents since mine were busy a lot, and I think we were all just raised together. Like a pot of kids. We had our parents...but everything we did, we did together. Piano, Tennis, Karate, whatever...we're the biggest quitters, and it's funny that now as teenagers and adults we're starting to see that life is about longevity. Keeping things. Some things just have to be constant. As spontaneous as we'd all like to be, just to have one thing constant is a pleasant suprise. Yeah, anyway...came home, then took my sister to her Dentist appointment on Lawrence. Hella far to get your braces changed or whatever. Came home, went online for a bit, then went to Big Lots and Target to look for picture frames. Got home as my mom was pulling in, and I fell asleep after my sister and I watched Old School which we bought for our dad for Father's Day, but he didn't open it. Hah. When I woke up, all the doors were closed, it was cold in our house, and no one was awake. 10 oclock. So I've been awake for the past 6 hours. I tidied up my room, hung those picture frames, and uploaded more music. I suppose I should sleep.

Tomorrow:
Going with my Manong Stan to my favorite store. It's like Toys R Us for drinkers. Then taking him to Valley Fair for him to exchange some shorts. Then going to the city with whoever comes, but Noemi for sure. Then going to Nar's.

This week was sooooooo exhausting. There were a few times here and there where I was kick back, relax, and enjoy the show, but I've been on the move. I forget what this feels like. I guess it goes with trying to be productive with your life, it means keeping busy and making sure you put everything in order, only then can you relax and enjoy. I'm definitely burnt out though, for lack of something.

I guess I've decided that I go to school early everyday or something, so for the past two meetings I have gone early and parked my ass on a bench and wrote in a notebook. Just random things. Mostly angsty, of course, in traditional Vanessa-fashion. Anyway, so I realized that the hardest thing in life is to surrender to the fact that you can't do things by yourself. You need help, guidance, companionship, and sometimes you need a hand to pull you out of the dumps. And it's hard, it really is, believe me. Because myparents were so hesitant about showing that kind of affection, that hand, growing up the hand usually had money in it. But I need more than that now. I tend to sink into my depressions, really deep, and it's tough, choosing what to burden on people. Because that's what I am, I've decided. I mean, what friends can I burden? What friends will pull me out? Have any friends ever pulled me out? I don't remember...goddamnit, I think what I'm really trying to say is that I'm alone in this. Damn, friends don't even call up anymore. At least back in the day, they called up when they needed something. Now nothing at all. I try not to care too much. I've come a long way from going home at lunch instead of being in the Villa. Or at least, I think so. There are people I can be myself with, without the fear of judgment and shame. I have sisters, but they have lives, and I hate burdenning them with my shit, because I've gone through this so long, I might as well just go see a doctor and get my prescription pills already. Instead of dragging it out each time. Okay, I'm being too candid in this. But that's okay. Who actually clicks on the link in my profile anyway. To read this long ass bullshit. Whooooooo?

In spite of the angst, as always, this week was good. Liked it. Lots of family in it. That's always a good thing. Now with these pictures in front of my face instead of those stupid awards, I can see my family. Not all of them of course, I didn't buy enough frames for that. But I have to admit when I was taking the awards, I realized I've come a long way down as well from being such a good student. Hah. Win some, lose some. Maybe I win as much as I lose, but I'm a fuckin pessimist. Thing's'll change.