Summer. School.

They don't deserve to be in the same sentence together, because only in putting them in the same sentence, means torture for most, or even maybe insanity!

Well. Yeah. First day of Summer School, for real Summer School since the other class got cancelled. And I'd just like to say, why do I think I can hang with this class and not the other one, the other than only met twice a week for way less hours, but this one twice a week, afternoon-night? But that's just how I feel. Maybe back then all I really cared about was getting through my pledging process, and spending time trying to be the perfect pledge, while I made mistakes and became a flawed human being. Well, more precisely, a flawed student. Man, I think I became the kind of student I hate. That slacker in the back who never went to class, who didn't give a fuck about anything, and who was too high and mighty to learn. Yeah, why am I even stressing?! Feels like I've been on the move since I woke up. That's how days seem now...and that's how it seemed during the school year. No "me" time. Ya know...I hate not having room to breathe, to look around and be alone. Because that's how I gain perspective. When I can actually stand back and appreciate the foreground.

Home means responsibilities, expectations, but a better me.

I guess.

Better, in their eyes.

I've been having really weird ass dreams lately. Lots of them with my pledge sisters, as if we're still pledging. And why do I even think about that?

Even when I'm apart from it, it seems that Kappa permeates itself through my life. And in some respects, I appreciate that. But then I kinda hate myself for not having much of a life outside of that. The life outside really means my family...where are my friends...I guess it's my fault too...but they're not around. Not really around to begin with, and I'm not sure who they consist of anymore. Not that I was ever sure...or maybe I was sure, and just afraid to admit to myself the truth. In this whole world, I've got more family than I can handle, more sisters than I ever expected, and less friends than fingers...but a whole lot of acquaintances. I'm so sorry if you're offended by this...

Maybe alone is how I feel right, but I isolated myself.

College really changed a lot. Lycky called today. Yeah...said I didn't really change...I guess because of what I was saying, though it was a joke. Not lazy, just overwhelmed with "duties."

Manang Vanessa will always drive you wherever you need to go, she is your parent who will not tell your parents, she will babysit your children, pick up your lotto.

Damnit, that's my life. Not because I want to. I'm bound by obligation.

That's my fuckin life. Life isn't about breaks when you're tired. Motherfuck, it keeps moving. I'm just frustrated that I keep fucking up...never learning. Well, the only thing that keeps me going is sleep, believe it or not. That bed looks mighty cozy next to me right now. I'll jump in it.

Goodnight...

P.S. I've noticed I can be a real ass, especially to my mom, when I go downstairs and I'm grumpy and she asks a question and I deliberately say something mean...I know it hurts, I'm a horrible daughter, and it makes me want to repent forever...I'll remember to be nicer, because my mom really cares and she loves us.

It's funny when good things happen, but they don't happen to you.

Like last friday, brought my cousin to the dmv, he got his permit. Got home, my mom got her job back, and she came into my room, so happy...it made me happy too, just because she was happy. And then the whole day after that it was just me, my mom, and my sister. It's beautiful. If nothing good happened to me, it would be alright, just as long as I saw that all the time...people sooooo happy...like my mom was.

There are so many things I want to do for them.

What gets in the way is myself.

Time to get over myself. I'm worthless, and nothing, if I can't recognize how important these people are in my life.

Hit me baby one more tizzime.