one day, one day

You go from up to down, down to up. One day flows into the next, and sometimes it crashes. Yeah. That's how I've been lately. Decidedly fucked up in the head. Well yeah...so I suppose I should tell you about my birthday.

Well I thought about it. How can you top other years? Some years are just shitty and really boring, and other years are spectacular. So I remembered when I turned 17 Alex, Lycky, Jackie, and Maureen came and surprised me with a cake and a pet fish...yeah...and I think that was one of the toppers of birthdays in my life, and so on my 19th, which was Saturday (yeah, you forgot, you bastard--or you didn't, I love you) I really didn't expect anything, I really didn't feel like planning anything, and I really did not want to be in a funk, but I didn't want to pull myself out of it either.

12:oo AM- my sister runs into my room and says HAPPY BDAY SISTER! and Noemi IMs me sayin happy bday, and I get a call from my cousin Antoine, and then a call from Dcruz, Kyle Chang IMs, Nicole says Happy Bday, Jess says happy bday, Gel says happy bday later... and I was just hella emotional. Like thanks...but I was in a FUNK. The funkiest of funks. Sucks being sad on your birthday, because that's supposed to be special, and when you're sad when something special is supposed to happen, you just want to die, ya know? Or just stop and go away. Yeah, that's how it was.

The family lunch was a nice little distraction from my depression. But we left. My grandma doesn't seem as happy to see me anymore. Which makes me kinda sad. But yeah. We left, came home, my mom's side came and used my bday as an excuse to sing karaoke, drink whiskey, and order pizza. Went upstairs to my room and took a nap. Afterwards tried to help my bored cousins out by letting them in my room and use my computer and watch TV. I think I had my first conversation with my cousin Mac that day, he just started talking, and we were watching Spiderman on TV, and with every second he was like "whahahahthaht happenenddddeetd to spidermannnn?" Kids. Yup. Then everyone left. And I got really sad.

And Noemi IMed, and told me we'd just go anywhere. And the whole day Dcruz was trying to get me to celebrate, but the funk funked me. So they took me. Noemi and Chris kidnapped me, blindfolded and everything. Well, yeah. Good times. Ended up with a bruise, a bag full of puke and pukey clothes, and feeling extremely loved, but extremely bad for wasting my birthday the day I did feeling sorry for myself.

Point is Noemi and Dcruz, thank you for making me feel loved. Because I didn't think anyone really cared, and really expected to cry it out that night or something like a dramatic baby. And Chris, dude, we gotta hang where you don't have to take care of me. Yeah...pull me out, pull me out. Thank you.

To everyone...man, I'm so sorry that I get like this all the time. I'm so sorry. But you know what? I fuckin love you and I'm not drunk and I don't have to be drunk to say it. I'm really grateful. And yesterday was Father's Day. I love my dad a lot.

Yeah man. World, I don't hate you tonight, I love you more than I hate you, it's just hate is always highlighted. Gotta change from pessimist to optimist. Personal project.

Dcruz, Noemi, and Chris. December 23, January 18, and September 22. I know, I remembered. You watch yourselves....

:)

add:
so it's 4:12 am, and guess what! i found a way to take speech and go to class with my manong! hah. i'm gonna take night class at de anza and health with manong at evergreen. meaning...i have class mw nights, tth morning-afternoon...which means...m-th of class...ugh. which means! i could practice getting my life together. hopefully i succeed. after class i can go to the gym or to the range with manong. huh? what? yayuh. ok, peace out suckers. i just spent the last couple hours in my sister's room dancing and stuff haha, i fo sho don't feel sick no mo! hah.