meeting. meeting. meaning.

The past week or so has been tough. Within myself. Within our class. It's been a real struggle. And tonight, it just confirmed, or re-confirmed why we're all here. Why I can call those ladies my sisters. So forget all that stress from last week, it was all bullshit, but we grew from it. And from tonight, or last night MONICA'S BDAY (HOLLAH, GIRL), we were able to grow past ourselves, and grow with each other. I feel so much closer and so much better now that we've gotten those issues out there, and there are more issues, issues that need to be resolved before we're done...I think we all know what they are. They're there and they're unavoidable. I am sooooo scared that I won't be able to cross with these ladies, that I won't be an ETA anymore, or I'll let anyone down. I'm so scared that I'll make the same mistakes. I'm so scared that they won't see me the way I want to be seen. The way I really am. Because I crack jokes all the fucking time. All the fucking time.

Tonight I was touched. A unity of women. Putting all our shit out there. Hugs at the end. The fact that I don't even hug my family unless I'm leaving somewhere. Sometimes you have to show that you care. And that's where a lot of people fail, because you don't get to show them how much they mean in your life. There are so many things I want. There are so many things to do. It feels like there's not enough time. I want to know them, for real for real (SKIPPPYYYYYYYY). Damn, they're my sisters. I never thought that I would have another sister. I never thought I'd ever join a sorority. But Kappa has taught me so much. About myself. About women. It's has shown me and introduced me to so many great ladies. I can't even begin to explain. Man, it's love. And not even that love. It's more than that....I know this is for life. I know that we have a lifetime to grow. And just like a great woman said, years from now, even if we haven't seen each other in such a long time, I can see us acting the same. Always. Always. Words don't do my thoughts justice. My feelings.

And I feel so bad. For everything.

But I feel so good that they understood. I feel like I went through that self phase, but I'm still going through the sisterhood even though we're done. I'm not done with it. Because sisterhood is a lifelong thing. Once you're sisters, you're bonded for life. You can't call someone your sister and just turn it off. And I don't want that to happen. Shit we're the Etas. We're going to do it right. We are. Because we can rise above. I truly have faith in us. All of us. As crazy as it seems. I feel more hopeful.

Like Nicole says I'm excited for life.

I can see us...I can see us at the end of this process, in our white gowns...together...with that song playing...looking so nice, and I can almost feel it...just that it's so near, yet so far....I can almost see us, and I can almost feel accomplished. But there's a lot to accomplish at the same time. There's so much. I can't cross. Because I, myself, am not ready. I'll be the first to say WAIT. I can't. Not right now. I feel like I'm getting married or something, and in a way, I guess I am.

Like Ate Ann said A vision without action is just a dream.

To cross with ya'll...we'll make that happen. And beyond that...we're going to make things happen. Together.

Like Noemi says Hit the '57.'

Like Kim says Don't assume.

Like Juanita says. Like Rosanne says. Like Monica says. Like Dela Cruz says. Like Emma says. Like Carrie says. Like Emma says. Like Audrey says.

I hear them. I love their words. They hit me hard. In the jaw. In the heart.

I never say it if I don't mean it. I've never been this deep. I have never cried over anything, over a group of ladies, or whatever.

I feel myself changing and growing stronger. And it's because these ladies and some others. Find your inner strength? I see it. I am searching....

Strength. Courage. Wisdom.

love love love love

DEEP

Only ya'll have made me feel this way. I love you ladies. For real, for real.

I had a feeling about today...walking this morning...I had a feeling this was going to be good. And then tonight...I watched the doors close in the elevator, and I fuckin felt so sad. I felt so happy. I want to get an ETA HOUSE. I want to know you all my life. ALL OF YOU.

I can't even think about anything else....