i lost it again.

i wish I knew everything there was to know...sometimes...even though i know there would be no reason to live then. But I like answers. I don't like questions.

2nd week of school, was it? It feels like forever. Kinda kills me. Well, it was bad. I didn't do so well on the productive side. But next week will be more productive since I have lots of projects due soon. Gotta get on top of things. I haven't been focused in a long time, it's hard to make myself feel motivated. In a way, I think the only thing I'm really focusing on right now is like...the sorority stuff. No school stuff, because I enjoy the sorority stuff, and less enjoy the school. So naturally, I am inclined to do what I enjoy. That ain't healthy though.

My dad said in the car, "Make me proud." And he never said that before to us. It was assumed, unspoken, but we never really heard it verbally. So now...I feel obligated to be better, just because my parents are counting on us, especially me now. I feel like I have a lot in my hands in regards to family and school, and I still feel like I have something to prove to Kappa and the pledge moms and stuff. I just want to get things done, you know. And sometimes I have the strongest urge to do the most destructive thing I can to myself, because I think "fuck it," but the moment passes...or I do...I'm a glutton for pain, I suppose. Pain in all sorts of forms. My sisters know what's up, right? :T That's how that crap goes down. Breaks my heart.

My bed looks lonely right now. I'm sleepy. I don't know why...I get at least 7 hrs of sleep everynight, but I'm exhausted by the time I get out of class. Days are so long. See, every time I get on my rag, I get all friggin emotional and stuff. It's no fun. Sometimes, it'd be nice to friggin just relax sometimes....fuck.

I had the strangest dreams lately....man, I don't know.