frustration.

I WROTE A WHOLE FUCKING LONG ENTRY FOR THE LAST TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES. but BLOGGER is a fuckball. and fucked it up.

but it all comes down to....I don't know if I can do it anymore. Because now I'm questioning everything. I did everything they told me to do. I did it. I wanted to prove myself, and I think I have. But now I'm not so sure about anything. So fuck it. Or at least, I want to say that. Because I'm discouraged, and I'm sad, and I'm just...so disappointed.

It all comes down to I don't want to do it. Once again. I'm saying it once again. This time for a different reason. One deeper than before. I can't do this if I hate to lie to myself. And I hate lying to myself.

edit:

The morning is now. Well, not that the morning wasn't when I last wrote, because it fuckin' was. And yeah, I guess, I've cooled down a bit, but my feelings are the same, just a little less intense. It's like, here's this thing. Here is this thing that I claimed, and I had pride in for a little bit. And it's crazy because I didn't take pride in it before, I kind of just brushed it off because it didn't mean that much to me. But now, it means almost everything. I would drop any shit just to help someone out, you know? That's how much this means. Or meant. Because I'm not so sure anymore. After this weekend, I've begun to question a lot of things. Things I had so much faith in before. Things I respected before. I dont know anymore. And that kills me inside. It kills me. It's like...damn you questioned me, I tried to prove myself, and I thought it was worth it, you know? But now...I'm questioning you. I'm not sure if you're here for me. I don't know. All I know is this is fucking with my head, really bad. I don't know if I'll be able to go. I don't know.

I question everything now. Everything...There were certain things that I assumed I would always feel, and people I thought I could always count on to be strong and and always be the kind of people I want to be...but shit, that's changed.

I'm thinking about it. I can't lie. I can't be fake anymore. It's getting too hard. And it's getting too hard to hide. Like last night. I couldn't hide that. I'm sure anyone could see it. But fuck, I can't lie anymore. I don't know how even I'll get through tonight. Because my eyes have fully opened. I think I see everything now for what they are. I think I know exactly what was evading me in the first place.

So should I quit the only thing that I've been passionate about in my life so far? Tell you the truth, I really want to. I would at the drop of the hat, but the problem is that I know that it's the only thing that helped me since college. Think about it. Where would I be? I'd be drunk right now. I'd be out of school right now. Whatever. You know, that's true. And right now, I really wouldn't mind anything to take my mind off these things. But again...I know that there is a certain side of me...the destructive side. The side that tells me throw it all away, and once I do, a terrible feeling sinks in and debilitates me...

All of this...I used to think I knew. Now I don't know anything.