This time it hit me hard.

Well...I couldn't sleep last night. I don't remember what I was thinking about, though. Something. Like how that movie was so great. hah. And trying to remember middle school. But that was pretty much...a failure. It's much easier when Mary is reminiscing with me...because she remembers more. Perhaps a few of my brain cells...zipped away or something. Few memories lost. But this morning...seems like I closed my eyes and finally fell asleep and then I had to get up. Showered and all that and my aunt came by to pick me up to go to church. And always being in there...I feel this sense of profound spirituality and faith, and it's not mine. It's theirs. All of those patrons. And me...I know the responses, I've memorized the songs...but it's all routine to me...and I keep breaking the rules and expecting it to be okay. Yeah, I realize...that sounds really religious of me to say, and it's not that, it's just that this is what I was raised to be; this is what I was raised to believe in. Yet, really now? This is not who I am. Even though it may be who I want to be. You know? I just wish I were a better person. And so I knelt...and I stood, and I sat...praying for Someone to make me a better person. Of course, that's only a job for me, and I get it. Biggest problem for me is that I know all my biggest problems. So...it makes them all worse. And you may not believe I'm a terrible person...because you don't know what I know...or you don't feel the things I feel...but just...everyone has room for improvement. That's all. And to me...I've got a lot of improving to do. And yeah...tomorrow, or even in a few hours, I'll go back to being a bum, and less than what I hoped for...and again, that's one of my biggest problems...I don't know how to be the person I want to be. How to grow up to be the woman I want to be.

And I stared at all those people in there with me. Most of them more than three times my age...and I thought...how? Did they just find faith? Or did they have it all along...

And then sitting there next to my aunt...who has done so much for everyone in our family and still goes home and cries for the things she cannot help...damn near made me cry. Because I don't want to be like her...but I see her heart. It is huge. And I wish my heart were that big. And I want people to see my heart. I was so sorry, sitting there, thinking about all those times I was mad, and there was yelling, and hate...yes, hate...and that makes me really sick. You know? Because I didn't understand. And I was only angry because of my own ignorance and naivete...being so young.

I know all I want to be. I know that I am not. I do not know how to fix that. And I'm looking for ways...but so far...nothing. Because at the end of the day, I can't sleep, and in the morning...I'm nothing. Today I finally realized that I kind of love. That I love these feelings...of feeling profound and enlightened. And I love my aunt. And I love how people have faith. And I just love. Man. If that's not emo...I don't know what is.