Sometimes I wish someone would save me.

yesterday I took a little nap from 5-11 pm. Because I was so exhausted. And I haven't slept since. Believe me, I tried. Anyway, as I was laying in bed, thinking a million thoughts, I thought that my sister had finals today, and whenever I had finals my mom would make me breakfast, so knowing that my mom wouldn't be awake to make my sister breakfast, I did it. Hah. How domestic of me. Well...I'm really really sleepy...or tired...or just tired of being awake. But ah. Suck ass man. I hate ----

My mom just came in. "Vanessa, you didn't sleep?!"

And so I told her. And I tried to tell her, I don't sleep because I'm not tired, because I don't do jack shit at home, but like eat, watch TV, and clean up a little. But it doesn't tire me out. I'm so close to studying things I didn't learn yet. It's got to be better than this. It may make people feel all warm and fuzzy inside to watch the night become day...but it pisses me way off, because I'd much rather be in dreamland, do you know what I mean? It's not like I'm not sleeping because I don't want to. It's because I can't make myself. GAH. My mom says she wants me to see a doctor. I say I want pills. What kind of doctor is going to help me sleep without giving me some pills? Maybe I'm crazy. Yes, maybe I'm crazy. That would explain a lot. Like why I feel like changing myself for the better one moment and then hating the world the next. It's strange. Or maybe I just think too much. Yeah, I do that. I know I do. I think too damn much. I think and I think and I think, and then suddenly in my mind everything turns into something like...why am I alone here thinking? Because no one cares enough to ask you what you're thinking for...or because no one's talking to you...or because you're not worth it. And those are the things that turn me against everyone. And it all comes from me. I think I'm going crazy being here. I have spent more time in my room than in my car.

I'm going back to San Francisco tomorrow. I think I'll be crazy there too. I think I'll be sad and dissatisfied there too...because location really doesn't change much when it comes to how I feel. Except it might make me feel sadder. Because. I hate leaving. Leaving anywhere. Because it means leaving feelings. Hah.


I'M FUCKING CRAZY.