swinging from mood to mood

i want ice cream.

edit

So I tend to overanalyze things, and I tend to settle into things, and I tend not to think about others when it comes to the future. It must be a sense of entitlement. Like I had such a horrible time in what has passed, so I must be entitled some selfish happiness in the future or something like that. And I've been realizing all this. I've been going through these mood swings. Desperately, though, trying to escape them as well. So I wonder why I want to do the nursing. I know. Its the money. The big bucks. And why do I want that? Because I honestly don't really. I don't want to be a slave for money. But then I know I will anyway. There's no happiness in being poor. People quite often say that you can do whatever you want, as long as you're happy. But how can you be happy if you don't have enough money to support yourself or your family, or how can you be happy if no one is satisfied by your performance in life. Its not possible. No cake and eat it too. Its ridiculous. A neverending pursuit of happiness. And so I have been thinking...that I can be the cruelest with revenge as well. I frequently do fantasize about doing what they want me to do and just cutting them out of my life, sending them a check, because that's all they want. They want money from me. But I don't know, I think I can do more, and I want to. I don't want to be anyone's assistant, I want to be my own boss. That may be too much to ask for, and I always ask for too much, but I can't help that that's what keeps me up at night, and that's what makes my heart beat out of my chest.

How pitiful. I just started college. And I'm an adult now. And yet I'm still a slave to all of these social expectations. Am I alone? I don't get it. I don't see anyone in the same toilings as I am in.

I think my parents fail to realize that money is not the key to happiness or satisfaction of my soul, but they want me to help pay for everyone's education, and they want me to pay back everyone who ever helped us out financially, and I think I'm picking up all the slack. But that's okay. Its my duty, I think. And that's fine, because maybe then they won't bully my sister into doing it too. Because I don't think my sister will stick up for herself. I think she'll take their shit. Just like I am.