New

Its strange how June 18th and June 19th just kind of blurred into one sort of huge, superday. Very long. Very dragging. Very interesting. So yeah, when I last wrote, it was like three hours after midnight and I was, what, a bit irritated? I don't know why. Lack of sleep? Probably. Blame it on that one. Then, let me try to describe my June 18th for you. My birthday. Well, everyone thinks my birthday is on the 19th, which is only because that's when the party was at. But yeah. So yeah. Uhh, 18th, guys. Its okay. I don't know yours either. So yeah. WAIT WAIT WAIT. BIRThDay Shout to Josh W. my birthday sharer. But yeah. And yeah. On the 18th, I let my cousins wash my car and they basically just cleaned up the house for the party. We sang karaoke, went out, bought a few things, sang karaoke, came home, made some mixes. That's June 18th. I had to try to sleep early because of the placement tests I took this morning. Or yesterday morning. June 19th. They were bitches. Man. Math and English. I better have passed that shit. I got, like, four hours of sleep and was stressing out because the tests were friggin four hours long. Anyway, after Noemi and I gave up on the math section, we kinda just walked downtown. Turned out to be some festival going on, but I was impoverished, but we were both hungry. Uhh...dad picked us up, picked up the pig, went home, got ready. Guests started pouring in. Thanks to all who came. It meant a lot, even though I was very low energy and you had to babysit the baby. Yeah, it was kinda boring, sorry. So anyway, went out, had an interesting time doing all that teen stuff I seemed to have missed out on.

Now I'm here.

And I'm pondering. I'm 18? You know I went to go buy lotto today for everyone and their mom, and I just felt so lost. Dude, adulthood is like this whole new candystore that is very selective and unlimited. So here I am, and I'm thinking about August coming up. I'm scared. It scares me a whole lot more than it did before. And I'm thinking about the person I am, and who I used to be, and who I want to be, and it all becomes this issue about who I'm not. It's horrible. When did I begin to do all this stuff? When did I stop being humble? When did my voice get as loud as it is? And when did I stop being so sad all the time? It seems like looking back at someone else's life, and all you can do is envy them. Now that I'm out of the protective shell of childhood and adolescence, I feel this ominous presence, which is just the world. I feel like I can fuck up at any moment and something can happen. You know? Life starts now, and if you fuck it up already, you're not going to last long in the game. Yeah, I'm thinking about who I want to be, and this isn't it. Just to feel cool, doesn't make me feel good. You know, maybe I'll try some new things and we'll see. We'll see what happens.

It is now Father's Day 2004. Happy Father's day, dads.