True friends stab you in the front

I'm kinda depressed right now. And its not because I'm nostalgic. Because at this point I don't give a fuck. I can die tomorrow for all I care. But I know I won't feel that way when I wake up.

I don't know. I feel like I'm a second class person. Not a second class citizen, but a second class person. And I caught myself thinking that maybe I don't deserve the same things as other people and that I'm always going to be behind. That makes me sad. And it makes me angry. Because aren't the people you care about supposed to make you at least feel a little loved? And not just loved because its convenient? But hey, I am the result of a lot that has lacked. And I think I'm trickling dysfunction. And I always will. And I just don't want it all to be for nothing. I don't want to die feeling like I'm not worth the time or effort or care. And I don't want to live like that. Maybe I want too much in life. Maybe I always make up these impossible goals, which are more like ideals. And you can't reach those. So I chase half-heartedly, but settle for what I think I deserve because others around me deserve better. I'm tired of feeling like that. I'm tired of feeling that some people should be put ahead of myself just because I feel inferior. I am so disgusted with myself. I never feel worth it. And I don't know if I ever will, and its a sad prospect, because if you could only look into my head and see what I wish I could be. I don't know who to blame, or if its worth it.

Maybe nothing's worth it. How am I feeling? Like you care. But anyway, I'm feeling hopeless.