A few short-term goals:

1. Get over it all. School is almost over. I didn't get into any colleges. I'm going to be stuck here. I'm going to just assume that I'll never be happy, just so I won't get my hopes up again. Expect a sadder Vanessa.
2. Learn how to play Jensen, my guitar. I'm tired of just strumming.
3. Change. I'm sick of myself. I'm so sick of looking in the mirror and seeing the same sight I have been seeing for the last four years, because inside I don't feel like that anymore.
4. Stop disappointing my parents. I'm a terrible daughter. They've been subject to disappointment and anguish from ever since I could remember. I'll stop. But I wish I could just run away from it all.
5. Find something to take my mind off of my failures. I'll try not to dwell. But come on, I dwell all the time. There's no escaping the things I feel I've failed at. But I want to distract myself until I forget.
6. Figure out what my life is going to be like. I'm lost. I really am.
7. Try not to be alone. Its very lonely when you're standing in the middle of a crowd and they are all happy and excited with what they are going to encounter. And its very lonely when you're in a house full of people who don't really care what you care about and only want things for you, regardless if you want them too. Finally, its really lonely when you have no one to talk to, but your blog because you're afraid they might tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself, even though you might need to hear those words. And its really scary that you might stop feeling sorry for yourself, because without pity, what do you have?
8. Stop thinking about the future. Because I don't know what it is anymore. And I have no plans. It would kill me if everything...everything...would just not come true for me. No family, or kids. No career, or friends.
9. Stop waiting. Because it just makes it worse.
10. Get high/drunk just to see if its true that it takes all the worries away.

I'm trying to find ways to be a better person and not be me. Because I am a failure, and I really don't want to be that anymore.