agitated, obligated, soon to be obliterated.

Sigh. Another day of Powderpuff. When I got home this afternoon, I decided that somehow it had been a bad day. Don't question my reasoning, because there is no reason. Just a general feeling. Anyway, we play sophomores tomorrow. My cousin is one of them, and I really hope I don't have to take her because she's my friggin' cousin and I don't want to hurt her. I'm not gonna say anything, but if we don't win...that would be the biggest embarrasment ever. I'm trying to find some displaced anger, but I've become some sort of peaceful bitch. I can't find any anger, and when I think I found it, I feel sad. So actually I have lots of sadness, but not a lot of anger. Peaceful comtemplation, yes. Anger? No. I don't know why. Things have been good lately I guess and I've just been taking it all in. I hope things go well tomorrow.

You hear it. I hear it. We've all heard it. Just because its senior year, I don't think that's a good reason to do anything. I can't just say "Fuck it. Its senior year." I need more than that. If I'm going to do anything its going to be "Fuck it. Its the only life I'll ever have to live." And that's it. Because fuck senior year. Seriously. You think that everything you ever felt scared about will just disappear just because its our fuckin senior year? No. Fuck that. Its still going to be there when its over and done with. You can't get over something in a matter of a second. I don't ever want to say "Fuck it. Its senior year." Because that would prove all those other years to have been lazy and a waste. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to do anything just because its our last year. I was finished by this time junior year. I think you're trying to fool yourself if you think that one year is going to change how you look at your high school years. You can prove me wrong, sure. Go ahead. Maybe I'm just angry and resentful because my senior year sucks. Or maybe I just hate hearing that like its supposed to be a good reason. Yeah, this is our last year with each other, but I'm not going to just notice someone because "Oh, its senior year." Or I'm not going to try to do something I've always tried to do but never succeeded because its senior year. I'll do it because I want to, and it'll bring me contentment. I do regret saying that..."its senior year, fuck it." I regret doing things just for that reason and thinking that. In the long run, what am I going to remember? I'm going to remember it was senior year and I didn't care about shit and I was really self-conscious because I let these people make me think that this was only chance to be happy. I don't know about you, but I'm saving my happy moments for times that count. And I won't pretend that I liked these last four years. I did...some times, I did. Most of the times it was complete and utter torment for me. But fuck that, because this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. I'm going to end this right and not do all that shit in vain.

I found my fuckin anger. Comes in the form of a word that sounds like duck and starts with an "F." You know, I really don't know what to do with myself.