Hating yourself is like a chronic disease (Real Thing)

Yesterday I wrote a whole lotta shit, but erased it at the end, because I felt self-conscious and whiny. But who cares. No regrets, right? So let me unload.

I kinda wish I were addicted to something. Valium. Some hard narcotics. Alcohol. I kinda wish I had a problem. I keep thinking that if I were overly this or overly that that it would all make sense. A lot of things don't make sense in life. Someone you love can just stop being around anymore or you can lose love for someone that you've known all your life...and does that make sense? No, not really. Who knows? Sometimes I just think that "what if." You know. I'm just not satisfied with anything. I know I say "no regrets," and honestly, that's the way everyone should live...but its like that parable which I won't repeat here. But one can never be satisfied with what he/she has and even if she is, then its only a transitory feeling. I hate how everything is so transitory. You think "always and forever," but it ends up being 5 months. There are all these broken promises and untouched goals...I can't help but just thinking that there really is no use to hope at all. If I stood here right now and looked back at all of those moments that I lived...would I see any living at all? Would I see smiling faces and hear laughter. I don't even have to think about it when I say "no." But that's just me. So I guess I see life as always trying to reach for something that can't be held on to. Flailing arms. Arms outstretched. And that's life. Good things may pass without even being noticed. I live in hindsight and the prospect of the future. I'm really scared to grow up. This is living to me. And its really not living at all. I envision myself a lonely future because I hate to get my hopes up. So I see me bitter. And I see myself soaking in defeat. Is this okay? I just feel the heavy feeling of disappointment when I look at everyone else and I'm empty-handed. So many people would I offend if I said what I really felt. So I just won't.