Dream a little dream of me

I took a nap today after I got home from school. I went to sleep feeling really depressed so the dream was kind of like that. It was really cool, and I wish I could have been asleep to see the end, but someone rang the doorbell and I woke up.

So I dreamt that I was at this family party and my aunt who always hassles me was hassling me. She was telling me who to be and how to do everything. Even in my dream I could feel all my hopes falling away. Then my dad got in the mix and started hassling me too. He said something like, "She's going to college." I yelled "No!" and I got my shoes and I blew that place. I knew in the car ride home I was either going to kill myself or run away. So I drove to this store and for some reason I changed. I turned into me with straight hair, which I think you would all agree is the more attractive version of myself [=)] But I went to this store and this guy from my guitar class and some of his friends kept following me. So I spent a lot of time trying to get away from them because I thought they were going to jump me. it was weird..So then I go to my house, which was an apartment. I packed up all my things, because like I said, I was going to either leave or leave for good. So I went downstairs to this garage, and there was this guy waiting for me. He was trying to stop me. I can't really remember the significance of him in my life, but I guess he was a close friend. But yeah...then this lady left her baby with us...and I was familiar with it. So I took him and carried him while this guy dealt with this hysterical pregnant lady that was with us. I'm standing there...then the lady has a miscarriage before my eyes. The baby starts crying, and I try to shush it. But I still feel like leaving.

That's when the doorbell rang. I woke up. You know that song "Mad World" that's getting crazy airplay now? "I find it kinda funny, find it kinda sad, the dreams in which i'm dying are the best I ever had." I love that because now I feel that its true. I feel like I'm not fit to live in this world anymore, because I don't really help here, and no one really notices me here. I'm not saying that I'm going to commit suicide or something drastic like that...but that also doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it. Lately, I keep thinking that I'm only costing my family so much and that I'll never be who I want to be or who they want me to be. I keep thinking that I've been a bad person so far in life, and I can never make it right. I've treated some people in ways they don't deserve to be treated, and its not because I dislike them, its because I don't know how to act. And I hate myself for not knowing. I hate myself for making people feel like shit. And I hate myself for not being a satisfying person. I hate myself. It sounds redundant by now, but its true. There's no one here to listen, but that's only because I won't speak. I know that everything I'm feeling and thinking is because of myself, and its no one's fault but mine...this is going to be my last blog until I start to feel....like living. Because I hate to dump this on my readers, I hate to dump it on people who think they need to listen to my heart of shit. I hate to make you read all of my depressing thoughts. So I'll be gone for a while. But you can trust that I'll be back because I can't kill this thing called hope that's in my chest.