Bitch is gone.
Okay, I'm back to my usual repressive self. Its a temporary goodbye to that spiteful bitch that was visiting for a few entries. Anyway, what's up with the weather? Can someone tell me? Oh wait, Spencer Christian told me last night on the 11 o'clock news. Apparently, there is moisture coming in from the Gulf of Mexico. There is a High front going clockwise to the east of us and a Low front going counterclockwise to the west of us. By the weekend, the Low front should continue to move westward and carry away the moisture along with it. In other news, what contributes to the Return of the Bitch is the fact that she could not find her Off By One yesterday. I, taken hostage by the wrathful woman, was witness to her rampage. She destroyed all organized anything in her path, looking for Off By One. No such Off By One was found. However, Off By One was found tonight to both our satisfaction. All is well in Vanessaland. And the scary wrathful bitch has retreated to her home deep inside of my soul. We're signing off at 11:11 in the PM! That's it for tonight. Stay tuned for Vanessa-not-Peter-Jennings again tomorrow night.
Thursday, July 31, 2003
Deja Entendu
Brand New makes me feel the same as when I listen to Trust Company. Which makes me feel like its a soundtrack for aggression. I feel like kicking ass. I want to beat someone up until he bleeds. I want to swing a bat into the wall and watch it shatter into wooden splinters. I want to fuckin' jump off a tall bridge into cold water that seeps into your skin and pierces your bones so that I can shake all this out of my mind. I want to kick a hole in the wall. I want to fucking tear off these stupid Calvin Klein pajama bottoms. I want to smash my guitar because I'm tired of looking at it. I want to throw this computer out of my window. I hate staring at my buddy list because I don't care. Its quiet and lonely on this end. I want to start over anew and take all these mistakes as far away as possible. This is pointless. I need a punching bag. I want to fucking jump and scream and yell all I want and use all the obscenities I can think of and not be called unladylike, because I don't want to talk in a soft voice anymore, what the fuck, I want to scream at you. I want to stand up to him. I want to punch some sense into his narrow mind. aAh. He's killing her. She's killing herself. He's selfish. I want to escape from this warped family. Where I was born and bred to believe that these are the good people, when these are the people we should not be. I hate looking into their lives and seeing dysfunction where I believed function to lie. Lie Lie Lie. All lies. How can we respect him now? How can we look him in the eye and act like we're five years old and he's older and wiser. Wiser? Years have not brought him wisdom, just strife and grief and still STILL he committs his sins. Same sins he's committed those years past. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of acting like I should look up to someone like you. I want you to know it. I want you to know that you don't deserve the respect that you are given.
I'm not the vindictive type. I'm the type to write it all down and then tear it all up and then do it all over again when the feelings return. I'll suck it up and act fake to those I detest. Civility is a virtue. Diplomacy. You think I'm shitting you? Then you're completely shitfaced.
Brand New makes me feel the same as when I listen to Trust Company. Which makes me feel like its a soundtrack for aggression. I feel like kicking ass. I want to beat someone up until he bleeds. I want to swing a bat into the wall and watch it shatter into wooden splinters. I want to fuckin' jump off a tall bridge into cold water that seeps into your skin and pierces your bones so that I can shake all this out of my mind. I want to kick a hole in the wall. I want to fucking tear off these stupid Calvin Klein pajama bottoms. I want to smash my guitar because I'm tired of looking at it. I want to throw this computer out of my window. I hate staring at my buddy list because I don't care. Its quiet and lonely on this end. I want to start over anew and take all these mistakes as far away as possible. This is pointless. I need a punching bag. I want to fucking jump and scream and yell all I want and use all the obscenities I can think of and not be called unladylike, because I don't want to talk in a soft voice anymore, what the fuck, I want to scream at you. I want to stand up to him. I want to punch some sense into his narrow mind. aAh. He's killing her. She's killing herself. He's selfish. I want to escape from this warped family. Where I was born and bred to believe that these are the good people, when these are the people we should not be. I hate looking into their lives and seeing dysfunction where I believed function to lie. Lie Lie Lie. All lies. How can we respect him now? How can we look him in the eye and act like we're five years old and he's older and wiser. Wiser? Years have not brought him wisdom, just strife and grief and still STILL he committs his sins. Same sins he's committed those years past. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of acting like I should look up to someone like you. I want you to know it. I want you to know that you don't deserve the respect that you are given.
I'm not the vindictive type. I'm the type to write it all down and then tear it all up and then do it all over again when the feelings return. I'll suck it up and act fake to those I detest. Civility is a virtue. Diplomacy. You think I'm shitting you? Then you're completely shitfaced.
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Cleaning slates
I haven't been to confess my sins since the first time, and I feel like its accumalating or however you spell it because everyday I feel like a worse person than the day before. So if you don't want to read this, you know what, don't. You don't need to know me. You can skip these serious entries and move on to the witty ones. Were there any. So why don't you deny this aspect of my character, because I always have to hide it anyway.
--There is a box. In the box is a keepsake that my Godmother gave to me. Its a gold bracelet. Underneath the pad, there are two blades. Blades I used to cut myself. Blades only used once, but saved for later use. I have not used them since.
--I blasted people in my diary. My parents, my sister, people I care about. Its no less different as what I do in here, but in the same manner, its no less shameful.
--I entertain vain fantasies of being in a rock band, and maybe it isn't sinful, but its so badass, it needs to be here =P
--Sometimes I want to have an intelligent, meaningful conversation, and I resent the folks that surround me, because a lot of the time they can't do it for me. How many friends do you have that you can honestly say have seen you when you were sad, truly sad, and you never had to cover it up with stupid jokes? Most everyone I know, don't know the real me. The sad me. Because I feel obligated to chat them up with witty conversation and I need to laugh and be cheery for them. I get tired and I want to know someone that I don't need to bullshit with.
--Sometimes I value my music higher than my family.
--I think I use the word "hot" too much. Outer appearance matters. Sure. But I'm afraid that I make it seem that its all that matters. Not true. Where would I be if that were true? Okay sure, these guys on TV are hot, but they're not real people, they're only the characters they play. And that's not what matters. I actually don't place people so highly based on looks.
--I can think of a handful of instances where I was blatantly selfish.
--I can think of a handful of instances where I was too proud to do the right thing. And that happens a lot.
--I can think of a handful of instances where I advertised the wrong message about myself. I'm not badass. I'm not punk rock. I'm not this super-interesting person. I find fun in sitting down and watching hours of Trading Spaces on a Sunday. I've newly found my faith. I have somewhat traditional values. But do you know what they are? Probably not, because all we ever talk about are movies and music. Do you know me? I'm afraid no one knows me.
This isn't all of it. I wish I could think of the rest. There is a mess waiting for me in my room. I was cleaning it out earlier and I thought of all this. This that makes me guilty, this that I can't let go of. If you can honestly say that you know what values I hold dear I'll be surprised. I don't know what you think a friend is, but I have enough acquaintances to know what those are.
I haven't been to confess my sins since the first time, and I feel like its accumalating or however you spell it because everyday I feel like a worse person than the day before. So if you don't want to read this, you know what, don't. You don't need to know me. You can skip these serious entries and move on to the witty ones. Were there any. So why don't you deny this aspect of my character, because I always have to hide it anyway.
--There is a box. In the box is a keepsake that my Godmother gave to me. Its a gold bracelet. Underneath the pad, there are two blades. Blades I used to cut myself. Blades only used once, but saved for later use. I have not used them since.
--I blasted people in my diary. My parents, my sister, people I care about. Its no less different as what I do in here, but in the same manner, its no less shameful.
--I entertain vain fantasies of being in a rock band, and maybe it isn't sinful, but its so badass, it needs to be here =P
--Sometimes I want to have an intelligent, meaningful conversation, and I resent the folks that surround me, because a lot of the time they can't do it for me. How many friends do you have that you can honestly say have seen you when you were sad, truly sad, and you never had to cover it up with stupid jokes? Most everyone I know, don't know the real me. The sad me. Because I feel obligated to chat them up with witty conversation and I need to laugh and be cheery for them. I get tired and I want to know someone that I don't need to bullshit with.
--Sometimes I value my music higher than my family.
--I think I use the word "hot" too much. Outer appearance matters. Sure. But I'm afraid that I make it seem that its all that matters. Not true. Where would I be if that were true? Okay sure, these guys on TV are hot, but they're not real people, they're only the characters they play. And that's not what matters. I actually don't place people so highly based on looks.
--I can think of a handful of instances where I was blatantly selfish.
--I can think of a handful of instances where I was too proud to do the right thing. And that happens a lot.
--I can think of a handful of instances where I advertised the wrong message about myself. I'm not badass. I'm not punk rock. I'm not this super-interesting person. I find fun in sitting down and watching hours of Trading Spaces on a Sunday. I've newly found my faith. I have somewhat traditional values. But do you know what they are? Probably not, because all we ever talk about are movies and music. Do you know me? I'm afraid no one knows me.
This isn't all of it. I wish I could think of the rest. There is a mess waiting for me in my room. I was cleaning it out earlier and I thought of all this. This that makes me guilty, this that I can't let go of. If you can honestly say that you know what values I hold dear I'll be surprised. I don't know what you think a friend is, but I have enough acquaintances to know what those are.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
More or less sinful behavior 2
You know what kinda gets to me...well not really since it really shouldn't get to me....its when you're in an empty video rental place, not Blockbuster or some big one like that, but a small one, and then this tough looking guy speed-walks past you and you see him casually head into the porno section. Yup, that's what kinda gets to me. Because porn just disgusts me. And I did once say it was hilarious, and that it is, but it generally is disgusting and degrading. How can you get off on that? Bad acting, no plot, the only direction that it has is toward a hole. Yeah, I'm being crude. And I think this entry is more deserving of the title than the last. But seriously, when you see this hunky looking guy storm past you and into the porno aisle it just kind of kills the whole male species a little for me. Maybe I'm a feminist in denial. God help me.
You know what kinda gets to me...well not really since it really shouldn't get to me....its when you're in an empty video rental place, not Blockbuster or some big one like that, but a small one, and then this tough looking guy speed-walks past you and you see him casually head into the porno section. Yup, that's what kinda gets to me. Because porn just disgusts me. And I did once say it was hilarious, and that it is, but it generally is disgusting and degrading. How can you get off on that? Bad acting, no plot, the only direction that it has is toward a hole. Yeah, I'm being crude. And I think this entry is more deserving of the title than the last. But seriously, when you see this hunky looking guy storm past you and into the porno aisle it just kind of kills the whole male species a little for me. Maybe I'm a feminist in denial. God help me.
More or less sinful behavior
My short and painful stint babysitting is now over. My uncle is back. Because his kids missed him so much. Wait till they are old enough to understand why he went away. Look what he did. Wait and look at what it will do to them. I'll miss babysitting my cousin Mac. He's cute. He's my baby. But not really, because well, you know....he isn't.
Today is cloudy. I don't like when the sky looks like shit during summer. It doesn't make sense. I felt almost sad yesterday when I said, "Summer is almost over." Though this summer wasn't the best in my life, not even close, I hate to see it go. Because when Fall comes, I know what will happen. I will be counting the months until June.
You know when you spend the whole day in bed and then when you get up to go to the bathroom or eat or something, you get kind of sick and nauseous? I feel like that right now.
My short and painful stint babysitting is now over. My uncle is back. Because his kids missed him so much. Wait till they are old enough to understand why he went away. Look what he did. Wait and look at what it will do to them. I'll miss babysitting my cousin Mac. He's cute. He's my baby. But not really, because well, you know....he isn't.
Today is cloudy. I don't like when the sky looks like shit during summer. It doesn't make sense. I felt almost sad yesterday when I said, "Summer is almost over." Though this summer wasn't the best in my life, not even close, I hate to see it go. Because when Fall comes, I know what will happen. I will be counting the months until June.
You know when you spend the whole day in bed and then when you get up to go to the bathroom or eat or something, you get kind of sick and nauseous? I feel like that right now.
Monday, July 28, 2003
A List: I like to....
--listen to sad songs when I'm not sad just to make myself feel some emotion other than happiness because happiness can get boring.
--arrange words in my mind for later use in my poems.
--bundle myself in my blankets and turn on the fan...during summer.
--listen to all my CDs one day every few months.
--write lyrics that mean something on a piece of blank white paper and stick it in my wallet
--keep my ticket stubs.
--fantasize about the future.
--methodically make my bed.
BLEH. This is a very boring list. Sorry you had to read it. I had to write it down.
--listen to sad songs when I'm not sad just to make myself feel some emotion other than happiness because happiness can get boring.
--arrange words in my mind for later use in my poems.
--bundle myself in my blankets and turn on the fan...during summer.
--listen to all my CDs one day every few months.
--write lyrics that mean something on a piece of blank white paper and stick it in my wallet
--keep my ticket stubs.
--fantasize about the future.
--methodically make my bed.
BLEH. This is a very boring list. Sorry you had to read it. I had to write it down.
Well, I think this is growing up
I'm having trouble with a little something. You know, that little thing called adulthood. Growing up. Yeah, that. I can change, I know people change, but its just the accepting part that gets to me. Seeing everyone in a different light. And everything. That's when nostalgia kicks in. And for me that kicks in often. There are but a few things that I've ever experienced that stay with me at every moment--that I think of whenever I do anything. And you know, whether good or bad, I still look back as if to stay back in time is salvation. But time moves ahead not backward. And all these steps through life, I have not managed to take a step forward without falling back. Because it really gets me to see things change. Like watching my little cousins grow to be more responsible and more independent. To see my parents relying on us more for help, and us, in turn, needing them less. I don't know. If you ever need to know anything about me, know that I put a lot of faith in the people around me. Not meaning that I depend on them per se, but I put my life on them. Because what would it be without them. And I need them here. And then all of a sudden when everything changes, it takes a while for me to take a step forward along with it all. Because I step back and look at what used to be and what now is, and it kills me. It friggin kills me.
I don't know what brought this up. I'm tired of divulging the boring details of my day. So I'll divulge the petty mess that's in my head. BYE.
I'm having trouble with a little something. You know, that little thing called adulthood. Growing up. Yeah, that. I can change, I know people change, but its just the accepting part that gets to me. Seeing everyone in a different light. And everything. That's when nostalgia kicks in. And for me that kicks in often. There are but a few things that I've ever experienced that stay with me at every moment--that I think of whenever I do anything. And you know, whether good or bad, I still look back as if to stay back in time is salvation. But time moves ahead not backward. And all these steps through life, I have not managed to take a step forward without falling back. Because it really gets me to see things change. Like watching my little cousins grow to be more responsible and more independent. To see my parents relying on us more for help, and us, in turn, needing them less. I don't know. If you ever need to know anything about me, know that I put a lot of faith in the people around me. Not meaning that I depend on them per se, but I put my life on them. Because what would it be without them. And I need them here. And then all of a sudden when everything changes, it takes a while for me to take a step forward along with it all. Because I step back and look at what used to be and what now is, and it kills me. It friggin kills me.
I don't know what brought this up. I'm tired of divulging the boring details of my day. So I'll divulge the petty mess that's in my head. BYE.
Sunday, July 27, 2003
I smell good
One thing that I want to say: 28 Days Later is a fucking awesome movie.
First time I heard about the movie, I thought it was just a friggin sequel to that Sandra Bullock movie where she's in rehab, but I was so wrong. Its just straight rad. I mean good music, good filming style, good direction, good acting, good storyline, hot leading man. Seriously, the leading man is cute. He looks like Tom Welling from Smallville but scrawnier. So I recommend that everyone sees this movie.
Did I mention I bought Brand New's new CD last night? Well, I did.
Thanks to Tyrone for the tickets to Great America.
I went with my cousins and sister. They were pretty much not into it, so I had to drag them to ride some rides, all they wanted to do was go to the movies.
You know, you ever think that maybe you'll end up alone. Like my fifth grade teacher. Overweight, teaching, single, living with mother, and loathed by ten-year-olds. Man, I keep thinking that I'll end up that way. Really kind of depressing...I mean, to think that you'll never get to use those names that you planned for your future kids, that you'll never have what your parents have, you won't have that big house in suburbia, a mini-van. Well, maybe I don't want a mini-van. Whatever, I won't spill any more guts right now. Later.
One thing that I want to say: 28 Days Later is a fucking awesome movie.
First time I heard about the movie, I thought it was just a friggin sequel to that Sandra Bullock movie where she's in rehab, but I was so wrong. Its just straight rad. I mean good music, good filming style, good direction, good acting, good storyline, hot leading man. Seriously, the leading man is cute. He looks like Tom Welling from Smallville but scrawnier. So I recommend that everyone sees this movie.
Did I mention I bought Brand New's new CD last night? Well, I did.
Thanks to Tyrone for the tickets to Great America.
I went with my cousins and sister. They were pretty much not into it, so I had to drag them to ride some rides, all they wanted to do was go to the movies.
You know, you ever think that maybe you'll end up alone. Like my fifth grade teacher. Overweight, teaching, single, living with mother, and loathed by ten-year-olds. Man, I keep thinking that I'll end up that way. Really kind of depressing...I mean, to think that you'll never get to use those names that you planned for your future kids, that you'll never have what your parents have, you won't have that big house in suburbia, a mini-van. Well, maybe I don't want a mini-van. Whatever, I won't spill any more guts right now. Later.
Saturday, July 26, 2003
When you do it the wrong way
Family Weekend Day 1:
I woke up and I had to babysit. I think yesterday I said that I thought it was over, but it isn't. Because no one thinks my uncle will be back. And this tmie, it was fun. I mean, I love that kid. He's fun to play with. Then when they left, my parents, my sister, and I went bowling. Gosh, I suck. I couldn't even break 100. I think I do best when I'm in my prom dress at 1 A.M. with friends right after cleaning up after the junior prom. Anyway, my dad won both games we played. After that, we picked up my two cousins and my two cousins, my sister and I had dinner at Applebee's. I saw this one girl that I knew back in Middle School. But its not like I knew her well. Not at all. But then I don't know, I just go kinda back into the seventh-grade-Vanessa, all quiet and stuff. Looking back, I totally regret it, because it is only proper that I should make an effort at some catching-up small-talk. But, alas, I did not, and was rude, and since I tend to dwell on such things, I'm blogging it down. Also, friggin goodness, I need employment. Because I'm stuck on these shoes....I want those friggin shoes. And I must seem shallow, but you wouldn't think so if you knew what shoes I wanted. Okay Family Day 2 is going to be at the movies.
Family Weekend Day 1:
I woke up and I had to babysit. I think yesterday I said that I thought it was over, but it isn't. Because no one thinks my uncle will be back. And this tmie, it was fun. I mean, I love that kid. He's fun to play with. Then when they left, my parents, my sister, and I went bowling. Gosh, I suck. I couldn't even break 100. I think I do best when I'm in my prom dress at 1 A.M. with friends right after cleaning up after the junior prom. Anyway, my dad won both games we played. After that, we picked up my two cousins and my two cousins, my sister and I had dinner at Applebee's. I saw this one girl that I knew back in Middle School. But its not like I knew her well. Not at all. But then I don't know, I just go kinda back into the seventh-grade-Vanessa, all quiet and stuff. Looking back, I totally regret it, because it is only proper that I should make an effort at some catching-up small-talk. But, alas, I did not, and was rude, and since I tend to dwell on such things, I'm blogging it down. Also, friggin goodness, I need employment. Because I'm stuck on these shoes....I want those friggin shoes. And I must seem shallow, but you wouldn't think so if you knew what shoes I wanted. Okay Family Day 2 is going to be at the movies.
Friday, July 25, 2003
Gettin' a little crazy
Went to the mall today. I did say, "Going out with mom is like a punishment. You must have it reserved for half the day, or else you will die of boredom." I mean, maybe it was my fault, because I followed her instead of going with my cousins, but they're all younger than I am anyways, but I didn't think that she'd want to shop alone, since I don't like shopping alone either. But...dude, she spent forever looking at stuff, like paintings and clothes and stuff like that. And the stuff that she would pick....oh man. Let's not even get started. Like paintings of flowers...sure, okay,---if only there weren't about a hundred of those in our house already. I'm tired of flowers. I mean, how about we do some contemporary...like modern stuff. Fuck this Victorian shit. All these Capodimonte things. or whatever. Its tired. Its weak.
In other news. Well, there really isn't any other news. Except, if you know me in real life, why don't you call me and we can go out? I think my babysitting days are pretty much done, I'm not sure though.
This weekend is family weekend.
Went to the mall today. I did say, "Going out with mom is like a punishment. You must have it reserved for half the day, or else you will die of boredom." I mean, maybe it was my fault, because I followed her instead of going with my cousins, but they're all younger than I am anyways, but I didn't think that she'd want to shop alone, since I don't like shopping alone either. But...dude, she spent forever looking at stuff, like paintings and clothes and stuff like that. And the stuff that she would pick....oh man. Let's not even get started. Like paintings of flowers...sure, okay,---if only there weren't about a hundred of those in our house already. I'm tired of flowers. I mean, how about we do some contemporary...like modern stuff. Fuck this Victorian shit. All these Capodimonte things. or whatever. Its tired. Its weak.
In other news. Well, there really isn't any other news. Except, if you know me in real life, why don't you call me and we can go out? I think my babysitting days are pretty much done, I'm not sure though.
This weekend is family weekend.
Bitchin' Day
Today was bitchin'. Here:
--Frisbee
--Swinging on swings at the park
--driving and singing along to our favorite cover songs
--baking a cake
--changing diapers
--kicking ass
--lots of driving around
--Starbucks Mocha Frap.
--Pizza, Chinese Food, KFC
--Soap Operas
That was my exciting, but not-so-exciting day. It was my mom's bday and it was pretty fun. Well my mom went to work, but you know, we did bake her a cake (props to my amigo, Alex for doing it for my bday and making me feel oh-so special, so we decided to do it for my mama) and wrote her a super-hilarioso card.
Hmm, I haven't really been stressed today or whatever, and I got to play frisbee, Yay! But i suck...haha. I mean, dude, i blame it on the frisbee. Its so light. I'm looking for my other one....dude. Why is it that you don't see people play frisbee in California? Is it some East Cost-only-or-Massachusetts thing? Because people there are insane about their frisbees. Seriously. Maybe because there's lots of green there, here...there are just lots of houses without lawns. Like mine. Bleh. Anyway, it was fun just driving around with my sister and my cousin totally rocking out and not knowing the words to our favorite punk cover songs. And then later on we rented Nicholas Nickleby and The Guru (which is hilarious). So yeah, I just wanted to blog. Goodnight homies.
Today was bitchin'. Here:
--Frisbee
--Swinging on swings at the park
--driving and singing along to our favorite cover songs
--baking a cake
--changing diapers
--kicking ass
--lots of driving around
--Starbucks Mocha Frap.
--Pizza, Chinese Food, KFC
--Soap Operas
That was my exciting, but not-so-exciting day. It was my mom's bday and it was pretty fun. Well my mom went to work, but you know, we did bake her a cake (props to my amigo, Alex for doing it for my bday and making me feel oh-so special, so we decided to do it for my mama) and wrote her a super-hilarioso card.
Hmm, I haven't really been stressed today or whatever, and I got to play frisbee, Yay! But i suck...haha. I mean, dude, i blame it on the frisbee. Its so light. I'm looking for my other one....dude. Why is it that you don't see people play frisbee in California? Is it some East Cost-only-or-Massachusetts thing? Because people there are insane about their frisbees. Seriously. Maybe because there's lots of green there, here...there are just lots of houses without lawns. Like mine. Bleh. Anyway, it was fun just driving around with my sister and my cousin totally rocking out and not knowing the words to our favorite punk cover songs. And then later on we rented Nicholas Nickleby and The Guru (which is hilarious). So yeah, I just wanted to blog. Goodnight homies.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Who put the bomp in the bomp a bomp?
Last night I didn't have to sleep at my aunt's house because I was being an ass and my mom just let me sleep here and she went there at 6:30 in the morning. I woke up at 10:30 to the same kid, he was lightly tapping at my blankie. I was really angry last night, like whoa. I mean, I had my box cutter all in use...well on cardboard. And I just scratched that all up. But yeah, sleep felt good. But for some reason I'm still tired.
Today I had the opportunity of seeing the future freshmen of our beloved high school. They look like little kids. I went over there to pick my cousin up who is an incoming freshman. They look young, younger than last year's freshmen. Yeah, that's all. Really young.
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. And I am over being an ass, so yeah. I'm just gonna give her $40 and tell her to buy her own pants. Haha, but its true, we were going to go to the mall the other day to get her a present, but we were too tired. So yeah. You know, you ever get something for your mom, but then she returns it? ....
To be added to the Cool Cover Song List:
--"Where Do Broken Hearts Go?" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
--"End of the Road" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes....["Darling, you complete me, but you make a lot of assumptions...and when you assume things, you make an ass out of you and me...don't make an ass out of me." HAHAHA...]
tHAT'S ABOUT IT OR ELSE ALL I CARE TO SHARE. I DID WRITE A VERY WRATHFUL ENTRY LAST NIGHT IN MY DIARY.
Last night I didn't have to sleep at my aunt's house because I was being an ass and my mom just let me sleep here and she went there at 6:30 in the morning. I woke up at 10:30 to the same kid, he was lightly tapping at my blankie. I was really angry last night, like whoa. I mean, I had my box cutter all in use...well on cardboard. And I just scratched that all up. But yeah, sleep felt good. But for some reason I'm still tired.
Today I had the opportunity of seeing the future freshmen of our beloved high school. They look like little kids. I went over there to pick my cousin up who is an incoming freshman. They look young, younger than last year's freshmen. Yeah, that's all. Really young.
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. And I am over being an ass, so yeah. I'm just gonna give her $40 and tell her to buy her own pants. Haha, but its true, we were going to go to the mall the other day to get her a present, but we were too tired. So yeah. You know, you ever get something for your mom, but then she returns it? ....
To be added to the Cool Cover Song List:
--"Where Do Broken Hearts Go?" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
--"End of the Road" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes....["Darling, you complete me, but you make a lot of assumptions...and when you assume things, you make an ass out of you and me...don't make an ass out of me." HAHAHA...]
tHAT'S ABOUT IT OR ELSE ALL I CARE TO SHARE. I DID WRITE A VERY WRATHFUL ENTRY LAST NIGHT IN MY DIARY.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Yeah, if we were face to face, I think this is where I would do the whole nervous-laughter thing...
because I really won't kill anyone and I feel embarrassed that I typed that. I have half a mind to erase that whole entry, but then that would just make it feel like I'm hiding some aspect of my character so whatev, the thing stays. So from that entry we can figure that:
--I can get extremely irritated when overwhelmed.
--I use the F-word way liberally, and in such a way that my mom would kill me.
--I use the word "hate" more than I should.
--My mom's side of the family pretty much puts those freaks on the soap operas to shame.
--I am lacking sleep.
So yeah. Sorry. I get angry, and I get resentful, so if you don't want to be my friend anymore...fine. I think its better that way then...But seriously, I feel the need to apologize. I blame my mom for her family's dysfunction and I resent them for making me feel selfish. This is the truth. Yeah, they're all a bunch of hypocrites with gambling problems, drug addictions, mistresses, illegitimate kids running all over the place, and what not. So, try to understand, all right? Tonight I'm going to bring my CD player and try to find sleep in a jazz mix or something. I can't sleep in that damn bed. I tried sleeping upside down, it just don't work.
I wish that this summer I went away again.
I'm tired. My sister taped the Dead Zone episode I missed over the last episode of Dawson's Creek. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. That's a prolonged U-sound. Later ya'll, I must go on and run errands.
because I really won't kill anyone and I feel embarrassed that I typed that. I have half a mind to erase that whole entry, but then that would just make it feel like I'm hiding some aspect of my character so whatev, the thing stays. So from that entry we can figure that:
--I can get extremely irritated when overwhelmed.
--I use the F-word way liberally, and in such a way that my mom would kill me.
--I use the word "hate" more than I should.
--My mom's side of the family pretty much puts those freaks on the soap operas to shame.
--I am lacking sleep.
So yeah. Sorry. I get angry, and I get resentful, so if you don't want to be my friend anymore...fine. I think its better that way then...But seriously, I feel the need to apologize. I blame my mom for her family's dysfunction and I resent them for making me feel selfish. This is the truth. Yeah, they're all a bunch of hypocrites with gambling problems, drug addictions, mistresses, illegitimate kids running all over the place, and what not. So, try to understand, all right? Tonight I'm going to bring my CD player and try to find sleep in a jazz mix or something. I can't sleep in that damn bed. I tried sleeping upside down, it just don't work.
I wish that this summer I went away again.
I'm tired. My sister taped the Dead Zone episode I missed over the last episode of Dawson's Creek. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. That's a prolonged U-sound. Later ya'll, I must go on and run errands.
Monday, July 21, 2003
Yesterday I felt so old, I felt like I could die.
I guess you're really tired of my rants about this stupid babysitting job. But too fuckin bad, because I'm not tired of ranting. I hate my mom. Because its always her. She always sells me out and tells them to ask me to do stuff for them. Can you watch the kids? Can you write up my resume? Can you get the fuck away from me because I hate you. And I hate her stupid screw-up family. Every-fucking-one on that goddamn side is so stupid and dysfunctional. And it makes me think, these people aren't competent enough to take care of their own lives, what the fuck are they doing bringing other people into the world? I HATE THEM. I HATE MY MOM. I HATE EVERYONE. I HATE EVERYTHING. I can't wait to get the fuck away from here. And I don't care if I'm being selfish right now, because I always have to act selfless, and this is where I think its my prerogative to say, "fuck off." But of course I won't. So I'll just tell you all that that's what I want to say to them. I want to die. Can I die? Its the only way to get out of this.
Today while I was driving around King Rd. this lady fucking called me a "bitch," just because I let this guy go ahead of me to make a left turn since the flea market area is closed off for some reason. I swear if this would have been face to face, I'd have killed her. No fucking joke. I'd kill her. Because what the fuck, I had no choice but to let that dude go, or else he would have fuckin driven into a police car, so what the fuck, that stupid bitch. I'd kill her. I'd fucking beat her to death. Because I'm not a happy camper right now and she's so fuckin blind and stupid and I won't hesitate to say that I'm better than that bitch. So fuck her.
I guess you're really tired of my rants about this stupid babysitting job. But too fuckin bad, because I'm not tired of ranting. I hate my mom. Because its always her. She always sells me out and tells them to ask me to do stuff for them. Can you watch the kids? Can you write up my resume? Can you get the fuck away from me because I hate you. And I hate her stupid screw-up family. Every-fucking-one on that goddamn side is so stupid and dysfunctional. And it makes me think, these people aren't competent enough to take care of their own lives, what the fuck are they doing bringing other people into the world? I HATE THEM. I HATE MY MOM. I HATE EVERYONE. I HATE EVERYTHING. I can't wait to get the fuck away from here. And I don't care if I'm being selfish right now, because I always have to act selfless, and this is where I think its my prerogative to say, "fuck off." But of course I won't. So I'll just tell you all that that's what I want to say to them. I want to die. Can I die? Its the only way to get out of this.
Today while I was driving around King Rd. this lady fucking called me a "bitch," just because I let this guy go ahead of me to make a left turn since the flea market area is closed off for some reason. I swear if this would have been face to face, I'd have killed her. No fucking joke. I'd kill her. Because what the fuck, I had no choice but to let that dude go, or else he would have fuckin driven into a police car, so what the fuck, that stupid bitch. I'd kill her. I'd fucking beat her to death. Because I'm not a happy camper right now and she's so fuckin blind and stupid and I won't hesitate to say that I'm better than that bitch. So fuck her.
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Take on me?
So what does that mean? "Take on me, take me on, take on me" What the hell is that? Is that supposed to be perverted?
This summer seems endless. At the beginning, it was so boring. Nothing to do and all that...now...I have too much to do...but still no one to do =P haha jk. I set that one up =D. I don't think I am the type to be easily satisfied. I mean, I complained when there wasn't anything to do, but this is the alternative and I want to die. Gosh, a few nights ago, I was hoping I'd randomly get hit in the head or something and be knocked unconscious forever, but that didn't happen, and I realized how stupid it is to hope that. So I'm dealing. I got to sleep in my own bed the last two nights, and I fell right asleep. It felt good, I haven't had an un-restless sleep in a while. And this is summer right? So why am I yawning. One more rant: I MISS WAKING UP AFTER NOON! My aunt seriously to get another babysitter, because I swear...I will stab myself.
Its been really hot lately, eh? This is the California sun that I love. Last summer it was humid where I was, which wasn't very cool. But...yeah...I miss last summer just because it was all stress-free and everything. Except talking in Ethics =P.
Dude, I must hit a thrift store. I feel punk rock...its pulsing through my veins. I wish they had moving emoticons, you know, so you can see my trying to do a rad air-guitar.
So what does that mean? "Take on me, take me on, take on me" What the hell is that? Is that supposed to be perverted?
This summer seems endless. At the beginning, it was so boring. Nothing to do and all that...now...I have too much to do...but still no one to do =P haha jk. I set that one up =D. I don't think I am the type to be easily satisfied. I mean, I complained when there wasn't anything to do, but this is the alternative and I want to die. Gosh, a few nights ago, I was hoping I'd randomly get hit in the head or something and be knocked unconscious forever, but that didn't happen, and I realized how stupid it is to hope that. So I'm dealing. I got to sleep in my own bed the last two nights, and I fell right asleep. It felt good, I haven't had an un-restless sleep in a while. And this is summer right? So why am I yawning. One more rant: I MISS WAKING UP AFTER NOON! My aunt seriously to get another babysitter, because I swear...I will stab myself.
Its been really hot lately, eh? This is the California sun that I love. Last summer it was humid where I was, which wasn't very cool. But...yeah...I miss last summer just because it was all stress-free and everything. Except talking in Ethics =P.
Dude, I must hit a thrift store. I feel punk rock...its pulsing through my veins. I wish they had moving emoticons, you know, so you can see my trying to do a rad air-guitar.
Friday, July 18, 2003
Babysitter's club
Adding a cool song to the cool cover song list:
--"Mona Lisa" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes [Nat King Cole]
I'm a jazz fan.
I haven't had the chance to blog because I sleep at my aunt's house most days now. Its hard to sleep there for reasons unknown to me, maybe its because I know I'll wake up to a screaming baby at 6:41 in the morning. Anyway, I move to their room at 4 o'clock in the morning when my aunt leaves for work. The said screaming baby moves a lot in his sleep. I swear, he took my spot and I had to move to the foot of the bed and I had to watch him and make sure that he didn't fall of the bed until I could get my spot back...oh and that kid snores like a monster. Lemme tell you...its like a preview of what's to come. Gee whiz.
Anyway, so tonight is one of my rare nights of freedom. I only get about three or four of these in the week. So that's why I'm never online, and not that anyone IMs me, but yeah, that's why I'm not here. I go to their guest room and read my copy of Sons and Lovers or the Fall catalog of Urban Outfitters and drool over those hot Pumas, and I write in my journal about how I don't want to have kids anymore. This experience changes my views on premarital sex...don't have it. Unless you want to risk a chance at having a kid...oh geez, you don't want that. I find myself trying not to cry every night before I get there because it feels so overwhelming...like I don't have a life anymore. Before I become a mother, I'll make sure to take a very, very deep breath. And I'm totally angry at the man who caused all this stupid crap for making such bad decisions and hurting his kids like this. Man, another thing, make sure to marry the right kind of man. The kind of man who will put his family above all. Not give into stupid temptation. Not be weak. I hate being a babysitter. Most of my friends get summer jobs which they might hate, but at least they get to sleep in their own beds, and at least they don't have to have this big of a responsibility.
My mood is so dead. I am so looking forward to the one week of freedom I have in August when I go to the Engineering program at SCU.
I'm getting all these college viewbooks and they all make me fantasize about get farther and farther away from here. And severing ties with my family, because I'm tired of being the one they go to. I'm honored that they consider me to be that responsible, but they go to me for a lot of things. And they are trying to tell me what to do with my life. My sister and I were laughing tonight playing, talking about what we want to be when we grow up...and we said things like:
Me: I want to make plants!
Sister: What?
Me: YOu know, get pregnant with a plant and have plants!
Me: I want to make soap!
Sister: I want to be a rodeo clown!
It was funny. And I realized that my mom wants me to choose a career in demand and my dad wants me to do whatever it is I want to do as long as I go to college. So I don't know, I'm glad that they want me to go to college, it just means that they won't care as much when I run.
Adding a cool song to the cool cover song list:
--"Mona Lisa" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes [Nat King Cole]
I'm a jazz fan.
I haven't had the chance to blog because I sleep at my aunt's house most days now. Its hard to sleep there for reasons unknown to me, maybe its because I know I'll wake up to a screaming baby at 6:41 in the morning. Anyway, I move to their room at 4 o'clock in the morning when my aunt leaves for work. The said screaming baby moves a lot in his sleep. I swear, he took my spot and I had to move to the foot of the bed and I had to watch him and make sure that he didn't fall of the bed until I could get my spot back...oh and that kid snores like a monster. Lemme tell you...its like a preview of what's to come. Gee whiz.
Anyway, so tonight is one of my rare nights of freedom. I only get about three or four of these in the week. So that's why I'm never online, and not that anyone IMs me, but yeah, that's why I'm not here. I go to their guest room and read my copy of Sons and Lovers or the Fall catalog of Urban Outfitters and drool over those hot Pumas, and I write in my journal about how I don't want to have kids anymore. This experience changes my views on premarital sex...don't have it. Unless you want to risk a chance at having a kid...oh geez, you don't want that. I find myself trying not to cry every night before I get there because it feels so overwhelming...like I don't have a life anymore. Before I become a mother, I'll make sure to take a very, very deep breath. And I'm totally angry at the man who caused all this stupid crap for making such bad decisions and hurting his kids like this. Man, another thing, make sure to marry the right kind of man. The kind of man who will put his family above all. Not give into stupid temptation. Not be weak. I hate being a babysitter. Most of my friends get summer jobs which they might hate, but at least they get to sleep in their own beds, and at least they don't have to have this big of a responsibility.
My mood is so dead. I am so looking forward to the one week of freedom I have in August when I go to the Engineering program at SCU.
I'm getting all these college viewbooks and they all make me fantasize about get farther and farther away from here. And severing ties with my family, because I'm tired of being the one they go to. I'm honored that they consider me to be that responsible, but they go to me for a lot of things. And they are trying to tell me what to do with my life. My sister and I were laughing tonight playing, talking about what we want to be when we grow up...and we said things like:
Me: I want to make plants!
Sister: What?
Me: YOu know, get pregnant with a plant and have plants!
Me: I want to make soap!
Sister: I want to be a rodeo clown!
It was funny. And I realized that my mom wants me to choose a career in demand and my dad wants me to do whatever it is I want to do as long as I go to college. So I don't know, I'm glad that they want me to go to college, it just means that they won't care as much when I run.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
I'd love for some guy to sing "Pretty In Pink" to me one day.
My summer plans have changed. Almost everyday from now on, I'll have to babysit my baby cousin and his toddler sister and tutor my genius cousin. When my mom told me I'd be doing these things after I woke up at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I have to admit that I was a little bit angry. I like being lazy. I like sitting here and dling cover songs and I sure as hell like it better than babysitting. But then I found out why. Family problems. So, since I'm apparently the oldest most responsible seventeen-year-old non-mother with maternal instincts in the city, they are trusting me to help them out. And I totally get it and I will oblige. Because I always oblige, and I'm not trying to sound resentful right now, but if it comes out to be that way, nyeh. And this tutoring...turns out the cousin I called Rainman because it seemed he was so slow, surpasses all of his classmates in some subjects and my aunt is going to pay me to help him surpass them even more. So if I didn't seem like the biggest loser before, I'm sure I will now. Because now, I will never go out, and wake up at 7 o'clock in the morning to feed my baby that isn't really mine, and then tutor my genius cousin at 3 o'clock. Does this seem bizarre to anyone else? Because it really does to me.
My summer plans have changed. Almost everyday from now on, I'll have to babysit my baby cousin and his toddler sister and tutor my genius cousin. When my mom told me I'd be doing these things after I woke up at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I have to admit that I was a little bit angry. I like being lazy. I like sitting here and dling cover songs and I sure as hell like it better than babysitting. But then I found out why. Family problems. So, since I'm apparently the oldest most responsible seventeen-year-old non-mother with maternal instincts in the city, they are trusting me to help them out. And I totally get it and I will oblige. Because I always oblige, and I'm not trying to sound resentful right now, but if it comes out to be that way, nyeh. And this tutoring...turns out the cousin I called Rainman because it seemed he was so slow, surpasses all of his classmates in some subjects and my aunt is going to pay me to help him surpass them even more. So if I didn't seem like the biggest loser before, I'm sure I will now. Because now, I will never go out, and wake up at 7 o'clock in the morning to feed my baby that isn't really mine, and then tutor my genius cousin at 3 o'clock. Does this seem bizarre to anyone else? Because it really does to me.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Awesome Covers
--"Crush" by Noise Ratchet [Mandy Moore]
--"Blue Moon" by MxPx [I don't know who its by]
--"All Or Nothing" by Fake ID [O-Town] Dude, I so want to check out more of Fake ID's songs, because I think the singer sounds reallly really really sexy.
--"Take On Me" by MxPx [I forgot who this is origin. by]
--"Hello" by Me First And the Gimme Gimmes [I don't know]
--"Isn't She Lovely" by Me First And the Gimme Gimmes [Who knows?]
--"Boys of Summer" by The ATaris [Don Henley]
--"Turning Japanese" by No USe For A Name [Shit, I don't know again]
Dude, you must download this.
--"Crush" by Noise Ratchet [Mandy Moore]
--"Blue Moon" by MxPx [I don't know who its by]
--"All Or Nothing" by Fake ID [O-Town] Dude, I so want to check out more of Fake ID's songs, because I think the singer sounds reallly really really sexy.
--"Take On Me" by MxPx [I forgot who this is origin. by]
--"Hello" by Me First And the Gimme Gimmes [I don't know]
--"Isn't She Lovely" by Me First And the Gimme Gimmes [Who knows?]
--"Boys of Summer" by The ATaris [Don Henley]
--"Turning Japanese" by No USe For A Name [Shit, I don't know again]
Dude, you must download this.
Mom, I want to be a pirate.
Guess what I did today. Dude, I said guess.
...no, I didn't do that, but it sounds fun.
...uh, what kind of person do you take me for?
....okay, fine, I'll just tell you. I saw Pirates of the Caribbean with my sister and my cousin. Dude, that movie is friggin awesome. I might sound like a geek, but there is no denying the fact that that movie was so good. Usually, I don't like Disney movies, not even animated ones, but this one was impressive. Kickass, even. Plus, Orlando Bloom looked cute, and keeping with the theme of today, I wouldn't usually think that either.
Thinking about the future is kicking my ass now. I got a viewbook from Dartmouth College today. Fucking God. Gee whiz. Seriously, I'd resort to crying myself to sleep, because its really stressing me out, and sometimes I can trick myself into not thinking about it, but then I do, and I have sort of a panic attack. I hate all this. And my mom is throwing career choices at me because she knows I'm dying here. I'm so dying. Coincidentally, I'm listening to a cover of "Send Me An Angel" done by Thrice.
I think my sister is trying to kill me, because she made me this nasty smoothie that tasted like rice.
You know, do ever miss something so much that while you're sitting down watching TV and stuff, you are rearranging words in your head, making a poem? Then you go to write it down, but it doesn't come out the same as in your head? And it just ruins your whole night....I did that last night. Trying to write about something I miss.
I had a dream last night that we went to see Mandy Moore's new film and it sucked. I don't know, maybe it was just a dream or maybe you shouldn't see it. Haha, jk
Guess what I did today. Dude, I said guess.
...no, I didn't do that, but it sounds fun.
...uh, what kind of person do you take me for?
....okay, fine, I'll just tell you. I saw Pirates of the Caribbean with my sister and my cousin. Dude, that movie is friggin awesome. I might sound like a geek, but there is no denying the fact that that movie was so good. Usually, I don't like Disney movies, not even animated ones, but this one was impressive. Kickass, even. Plus, Orlando Bloom looked cute, and keeping with the theme of today, I wouldn't usually think that either.
Thinking about the future is kicking my ass now. I got a viewbook from Dartmouth College today. Fucking God. Gee whiz. Seriously, I'd resort to crying myself to sleep, because its really stressing me out, and sometimes I can trick myself into not thinking about it, but then I do, and I have sort of a panic attack. I hate all this. And my mom is throwing career choices at me because she knows I'm dying here. I'm so dying. Coincidentally, I'm listening to a cover of "Send Me An Angel" done by Thrice.
I think my sister is trying to kill me, because she made me this nasty smoothie that tasted like rice.
You know, do ever miss something so much that while you're sitting down watching TV and stuff, you are rearranging words in your head, making a poem? Then you go to write it down, but it doesn't come out the same as in your head? And it just ruins your whole night....I did that last night. Trying to write about something I miss.
I had a dream last night that we went to see Mandy Moore's new film and it sucked. I don't know, maybe it was just a dream or maybe you shouldn't see it. Haha, jk
Monday, July 14, 2003
You know when...
You know when you are chewing this really tasty, flavorful piece of gum, and you chew and you chew and then it loses flavor, but you just leave it in your mouth because you're busy at the moment, and then when you are ready to spit it out, the flavor comes back and its just as tasty and flavorful as ever? Yeah, just wondering.
So I've been a cover-song-whore these last few days. I mean, I spend most of my time downloading them. Me First And The Gimme Gimmes was the first ever punkish band I ever got into back in the day, and they have a new CD out, so I'm just checking it out. I have punk covers by Face To Face, MxPx, Me First And the Gimme Gimmes (of course), Thrice, Noise Ratchet, Hippos, Good Riddance, Bouncing Souls, and the Mr T Experience. Yup. I'm PUnk Cover Girl, saving the world by listening to one punk cover at a time. ;)
Don't you hate the stupid smiley faces? I seriously sometimes hate the smiley faces. And I'm usually on my rag then.
You know when you are chewing this really tasty, flavorful piece of gum, and you chew and you chew and then it loses flavor, but you just leave it in your mouth because you're busy at the moment, and then when you are ready to spit it out, the flavor comes back and its just as tasty and flavorful as ever? Yeah, just wondering.
So I've been a cover-song-whore these last few days. I mean, I spend most of my time downloading them. Me First And The Gimme Gimmes was the first ever punkish band I ever got into back in the day, and they have a new CD out, so I'm just checking it out. I have punk covers by Face To Face, MxPx, Me First And the Gimme Gimmes (of course), Thrice, Noise Ratchet, Hippos, Good Riddance, Bouncing Souls, and the Mr T Experience. Yup. I'm PUnk Cover Girl, saving the world by listening to one punk cover at a time. ;)
Don't you hate the stupid smiley faces? I seriously sometimes hate the smiley faces. And I'm usually on my rag then.
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Saturday, July 12, 2003
We have everything to forget
My grandparents left for the Philippines today. We all went over and had lunch and said our goodbyes. This goodbye is different. All the other times we knew they would come back in two years, but this time, its undetermined. The government is barring my grandma, who is not a US citizen from visiting so often, she has to stay in the Philippines or in America. So it could be years till we see them. I could be finished with college when they come again. And then my grandma said something, "...if we're still alive then." Shit, that makes me want to cry. Its morbid, and you just want to walk away with your hands over your ears, but its in the back of your head. Is this the last time we will see each other? I pray to God it isn't. I honestly pray. My grandpa made us say goodbye twice to him, once because we were going out and he didn't think we'd be back in time, and then when they left. See, these are the people you can't help but want to satisfy. People who worked so hard to bring you here to where you are now, in front of a computer screen, taken care of in your warm home.
I can't remember the last time my cousins and I went out to play football in the front yard. We used to do it all the time. We would play football and baseball, sometimes tennis, and always basketball. But we haven't done that in a while. So today we did. It was hella fun. But its different because a lot of my cousins aren't little kids anymore, they're mostly teenagers now. And since I'm near the oldest, I remember what they all were like when we were young, even if they don't. And its just weird. I wonder how parents react. Because they're there for the beginning.
Why did Dead Elm Records release a compilation album full of songs telling people not to kill themselves? Most of the artists on their label make me want to kill myself.
My grandparents left for the Philippines today. We all went over and had lunch and said our goodbyes. This goodbye is different. All the other times we knew they would come back in two years, but this time, its undetermined. The government is barring my grandma, who is not a US citizen from visiting so often, she has to stay in the Philippines or in America. So it could be years till we see them. I could be finished with college when they come again. And then my grandma said something, "...if we're still alive then." Shit, that makes me want to cry. Its morbid, and you just want to walk away with your hands over your ears, but its in the back of your head. Is this the last time we will see each other? I pray to God it isn't. I honestly pray. My grandpa made us say goodbye twice to him, once because we were going out and he didn't think we'd be back in time, and then when they left. See, these are the people you can't help but want to satisfy. People who worked so hard to bring you here to where you are now, in front of a computer screen, taken care of in your warm home.
I can't remember the last time my cousins and I went out to play football in the front yard. We used to do it all the time. We would play football and baseball, sometimes tennis, and always basketball. But we haven't done that in a while. So today we did. It was hella fun. But its different because a lot of my cousins aren't little kids anymore, they're mostly teenagers now. And since I'm near the oldest, I remember what they all were like when we were young, even if they don't. And its just weird. I wonder how parents react. Because they're there for the beginning.
Why did Dead Elm Records release a compilation album full of songs telling people not to kill themselves? Most of the artists on their label make me want to kill myself.
Friday, July 11, 2003
Pound it in
I've had this headache since yesterday. It sucks ass, dude. I did some mad napping today. Like every spare minute I had. Well, time is winding down. Its almost the middle of July now. Then will be August, and next thing you know, its Autumn. And you know what that means, folks. School. As of now, I can't wait. Oh yeah, except for a few things...what is it? Homework, Humanities, Senior Prom, College Apps. Those can take their time coming, because I just ain't ready. You know. I think I'm gonna just do the Junior College thing, because its easier on my parents, and I guess that's what I should care about, right? But then there's this nagging feeling, a selfish feeling, that I need to get away and this is what I've looked forward to for the last six years. I don't know. Like I said before. I'm completely lost. Completely. I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I know what I want, but I don't know what I can have.
Tonight, since my mom is still on her Martha Stewart mission, I helped her redo some stuff. Like curtains and kitchen chairs. She gets up early, because she says she can't sleep; she's too excited thinking about it. That's my mom. And then when my dad comes home, its kinda like a look of amusement, but then he's kinda pissed because she spent money again. Hahaha, its hecka funny, he would just walk out of a room shaking his head. And my sister helped too. Haha, nothing really much else to say. Is it pitiful to talk about my family. I don't talk about them much, except for my dad, but whenever I do, I can't help but think I give a negative impression of him. He's not that bad. I mean, he takes care of us, he cares if we do our best, even if sometimes he doesn't think it is. And sometimes I feel like he hates me, but I think I know he doesn't. I know my mom loves both my sister and me because she tells us everyday before she leaves for work. But I don't really say it back. But I love my parents. Sometimes they are asses, but you know...whatever, I know I'm a perpetual ass, so I'm just glad that they can deal with me. That's it. That's all I have today.
I've had this headache since yesterday. It sucks ass, dude. I did some mad napping today. Like every spare minute I had. Well, time is winding down. Its almost the middle of July now. Then will be August, and next thing you know, its Autumn. And you know what that means, folks. School. As of now, I can't wait. Oh yeah, except for a few things...what is it? Homework, Humanities, Senior Prom, College Apps. Those can take their time coming, because I just ain't ready. You know. I think I'm gonna just do the Junior College thing, because its easier on my parents, and I guess that's what I should care about, right? But then there's this nagging feeling, a selfish feeling, that I need to get away and this is what I've looked forward to for the last six years. I don't know. Like I said before. I'm completely lost. Completely. I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I know what I want, but I don't know what I can have.
Tonight, since my mom is still on her Martha Stewart mission, I helped her redo some stuff. Like curtains and kitchen chairs. She gets up early, because she says she can't sleep; she's too excited thinking about it. That's my mom. And then when my dad comes home, its kinda like a look of amusement, but then he's kinda pissed because she spent money again. Hahaha, its hecka funny, he would just walk out of a room shaking his head. And my sister helped too. Haha, nothing really much else to say. Is it pitiful to talk about my family. I don't talk about them much, except for my dad, but whenever I do, I can't help but think I give a negative impression of him. He's not that bad. I mean, he takes care of us, he cares if we do our best, even if sometimes he doesn't think it is. And sometimes I feel like he hates me, but I think I know he doesn't. I know my mom loves both my sister and me because she tells us everyday before she leaves for work. But I don't really say it back. But I love my parents. Sometimes they are asses, but you know...whatever, I know I'm a perpetual ass, so I'm just glad that they can deal with me. That's it. That's all I have today.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Uh Huh.
Today was bleh. I just...was tired? Although, I did wake up at 7 o'clock easily. But the rest of the day...sucked ass. There was some looking at old albums and reminiscing with the cousins. There was some walking around the mall with my mom. There was feeling a lot of self-pity when my dad asked me about college. Oh yeah, and then when we got home, my mom had moved a plant into the house and it made the living room smell like...really bad...unwashed...private parts. Yeah. I had to share because its so gross and funny, and I totally kept laughing all the way to the car. I'm waiting for my Love's Labour's Lost DVD to come in the mail so I can watch it over and over and over again. But no such luck. Why does it have to be so slow? I have this pounding headache and I think I'm about to be on that vicious womanly cycle again, so I'll cut this short before I get all spiteful.
Today was bleh. I just...was tired? Although, I did wake up at 7 o'clock easily. But the rest of the day...sucked ass. There was some looking at old albums and reminiscing with the cousins. There was some walking around the mall with my mom. There was feeling a lot of self-pity when my dad asked me about college. Oh yeah, and then when we got home, my mom had moved a plant into the house and it made the living room smell like...really bad...unwashed...private parts. Yeah. I had to share because its so gross and funny, and I totally kept laughing all the way to the car. I'm waiting for my Love's Labour's Lost DVD to come in the mail so I can watch it over and over and over again. But no such luck. Why does it have to be so slow? I have this pounding headache and I think I'm about to be on that vicious womanly cycle again, so I'll cut this short before I get all spiteful.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Just a little bit of my Randomosity
--My grandparents are leaving on Monday to go back to the P.I., so we'll be having lunch with them everyday until they leave.
--Been watching home movies lately. I was beyond dorky. If you knew me way back when...why are you still friends with me?
--PRJ! I got the best idea! Let's go out and get tattoos, then get drunk, and make a punk rock music video!
--I got Amelie on DVD. So yeah, I'm late.
--Oh yeah...according to TheSpark's Sex Test, I will lose my virginity at 20 in my own bed and I am 17 (or 24?) % sexy. And I will have sex with only one person, who is male, and I will love him. Who wants to help me prove The Spark wrong, that I can have sexy with more than one person? Just kidding. Don't touch me.
--Spoke to the witty Dylan Pickles today. I wonder if he reads this. Anyway, we have to catch up sometime.
--Ain't nothin like the feeling of NO KIDS.
--You know, I am a sap.
--My mom is getting all Martha Stewart after watching the tape of the model homes that we took...now she wants to renovate.
--Okay, on General Hospital, who besides me believes that Emily belongs with Nikolas?
--Who actually read my blog about The Fountainhead?
Well, that's about it. There is probably more randomosity that is even more random. But I'm too lazy. Oh yeah...Testes died today...=( if you would all take a minute out of your busy lives to just remember him.......................................................................... ............................................................................... ................................................................................... ...................................................................... ......................thanks...you know he's smiling down on you in Heaven.
--My grandparents are leaving on Monday to go back to the P.I., so we'll be having lunch with them everyday until they leave.
--Been watching home movies lately. I was beyond dorky. If you knew me way back when...why are you still friends with me?
--PRJ! I got the best idea! Let's go out and get tattoos, then get drunk, and make a punk rock music video!
--I got Amelie on DVD. So yeah, I'm late.
--Oh yeah...according to TheSpark's Sex Test, I will lose my virginity at 20 in my own bed and I am 17 (or 24?) % sexy. And I will have sex with only one person, who is male, and I will love him. Who wants to help me prove The Spark wrong, that I can have sexy with more than one person? Just kidding. Don't touch me.
--Spoke to the witty Dylan Pickles today. I wonder if he reads this. Anyway, we have to catch up sometime.
--Ain't nothin like the feeling of NO KIDS.
--You know, I am a sap.
--My mom is getting all Martha Stewart after watching the tape of the model homes that we took...now she wants to renovate.
--Okay, on General Hospital, who besides me believes that Emily belongs with Nikolas?
--Who actually read my blog about The Fountainhead?
Well, that's about it. There is probably more randomosity that is even more random. But I'm too lazy. Oh yeah...Testes died today...=( if you would all take a minute out of your busy lives to just remember him.......................................................................... ............................................................................... ................................................................................... ...................................................................... ......................thanks...you know he's smiling down on you in Heaven.
You know you had a good day when:
--You wake up and there are no kids waiting for you downstairs.
--You watch home videos and realize your childhood was happier than you thought.
--You can drive around and talk to sister about stuff you don't even remember.
--You want to do household chores.
--You want to work out.
--You write a very long essay and post it for the whole world to see.
--You feel totally sexy even if you don't look it.
--You are alone in the house again.
--You watch old episodes of Saved By the Bell and realize...What the heck were they wearing?
--You can't go to sleep that night, even though there wasn't anything particularly special about that day, but all you know is the fear of waking up tomorrow to kids waiting for you downstairs, that chip back on your shoulder, laziness, and no privacy whatsoever.
This is what I call a good day. A great day...I'll tell you when I have one.
--You wake up and there are no kids waiting for you downstairs.
--You watch home videos and realize your childhood was happier than you thought.
--You can drive around and talk to sister about stuff you don't even remember.
--You want to do household chores.
--You want to work out.
--You write a very long essay and post it for the whole world to see.
--You feel totally sexy even if you don't look it.
--You are alone in the house again.
--You watch old episodes of Saved By the Bell and realize...What the heck were they wearing?
--You can't go to sleep that night, even though there wasn't anything particularly special about that day, but all you know is the fear of waking up tomorrow to kids waiting for you downstairs, that chip back on your shoulder, laziness, and no privacy whatsoever.
This is what I call a good day. A great day...I'll tell you when I have one.
The Fountainhead
For those of you who read my blog regularly and notice my weird titles, this is not just a weird title. I want to discuss one of my favorite novels. And its not my favorite novel because I totally understand it, I actually don't. I like the ideas set forth. So warning. Don't read this if you ever intend to read this long, long novel.
Let's talk about Dominique and Roark. Interesting type of love. They have what people would call an odd relationship. But its love, and they both recognize it as so. So I question, is that what love is? They are two of a kind. Both rough on the edges; calloused. They fight this world, because its filled with fakes and people-pleasers. People who don't live life for themselves. Instead they waste it. Dominique and Roark live life according to them. They're not complacent. And they enjoy an unconventional love. Or is it unconventional? It is unconventional their love making; each time described as a violent act with victors and defeat--essentially, like rape. And this is the way they like it. They are enthralled in passion and contempt and respect and love. So is this love? This surrender? Dominique refused to let herself completely belong to Roark until she destroyed herself. She put herself through hell. And he knew it, and he wouldn't have wanted her any other way. So he would not take her when she threw herself at him. There was the perfect time, when they would truly belong with each other. And they both suffered. So is this love? This sure isn't the love we see in movies. This is explicit. Unconventional. But they waited for each other. That is love, I would hope.
Another thing. Dominique and Roark against the world. They did not set out to please. Roark wouldn't change for anyone, and he wouldn't get angry, and he wouldn't cry. He was emotionless. Any sign of emotion was complacent. But Roark loved architecture. He loved the buildings he yielded. Even when everyone was critical of them. Even when people jeered them. It is romantic to think that one can live life for oneself and no one else. But its unrealistic. Is it really possible to live completely a life of solitude? I think this is where the philosophy blurs. Don't people need societies? Ever since the first society in Mesopotamia, people have perpetuated the pattern; staying in packs, in close proximity to each other. Its either part of human nature, or just a huge mistake. In these societies, though, there have been great advances, advances that may not have been possible if not for a team effort. People come into this world, and they look for approval, they seek comraderie and respect, they crave love. So how then, can we really live life for ourselves? To do that we must keep others out. We must keep them away and not grant them any affection. Is that possible? I find it hard to believe.
And why do I find it hard to believe? Easy. I tried it. And in the end, I only came off as Daria instead of Roark and Dominique. I came off as this sarcastic, unfeeling person. And not that its not cool to be identified with a cartoon character, but it wasn't the effect I was shooting for. In the end, I only realized that all I want is the approval of my parents and my grandparents. I can't bear to let people down. Because I feel like the biggest failure. Whether it be as small as giving someone a ride. Or as big as picking a life. I need the approval of these people in my life because I can't help but care. Because if they are around me, I can't help but feel. And yeah, I know it sounds really really sappy, but its the truth, and maybe I'm spilling my heart onto a keyboard, but its your choice whether it affects your view of me. And I can't just go around doing what I love. Maybe if I didn't know them I could. But I know them, and I know what they want of me, and I can't help but think of them whenever I make a decision. So my life is living for them because they make me who I am. If that's shameful, so it is. And not only this, but I always thought that I would want Roark and Dominique's love. Minus the violent sex. But other than that. The fact that it could endure time, even apart from each other. I always thought that this is what love should be. You two against the world. The both of you willing to surrender to each other. Passion. Respect. And you would destroy yourself for the other. And I don't know, I guess I'm a sap. And maybe Roark isn't the picture of the perfect soulmate, but he's someone's.
The reason I like this novel, is because as many times as I read it, as many times as I try to rationalize the events, I can't find the right answer. And I continue to read it, and I continue to find minute details about why I like it. It keeps my mind thinking.
For those of you who read my blog regularly and notice my weird titles, this is not just a weird title. I want to discuss one of my favorite novels. And its not my favorite novel because I totally understand it, I actually don't. I like the ideas set forth. So warning. Don't read this if you ever intend to read this long, long novel.
Let's talk about Dominique and Roark. Interesting type of love. They have what people would call an odd relationship. But its love, and they both recognize it as so. So I question, is that what love is? They are two of a kind. Both rough on the edges; calloused. They fight this world, because its filled with fakes and people-pleasers. People who don't live life for themselves. Instead they waste it. Dominique and Roark live life according to them. They're not complacent. And they enjoy an unconventional love. Or is it unconventional? It is unconventional their love making; each time described as a violent act with victors and defeat--essentially, like rape. And this is the way they like it. They are enthralled in passion and contempt and respect and love. So is this love? This surrender? Dominique refused to let herself completely belong to Roark until she destroyed herself. She put herself through hell. And he knew it, and he wouldn't have wanted her any other way. So he would not take her when she threw herself at him. There was the perfect time, when they would truly belong with each other. And they both suffered. So is this love? This sure isn't the love we see in movies. This is explicit. Unconventional. But they waited for each other. That is love, I would hope.
Another thing. Dominique and Roark against the world. They did not set out to please. Roark wouldn't change for anyone, and he wouldn't get angry, and he wouldn't cry. He was emotionless. Any sign of emotion was complacent. But Roark loved architecture. He loved the buildings he yielded. Even when everyone was critical of them. Even when people jeered them. It is romantic to think that one can live life for oneself and no one else. But its unrealistic. Is it really possible to live completely a life of solitude? I think this is where the philosophy blurs. Don't people need societies? Ever since the first society in Mesopotamia, people have perpetuated the pattern; staying in packs, in close proximity to each other. Its either part of human nature, or just a huge mistake. In these societies, though, there have been great advances, advances that may not have been possible if not for a team effort. People come into this world, and they look for approval, they seek comraderie and respect, they crave love. So how then, can we really live life for ourselves? To do that we must keep others out. We must keep them away and not grant them any affection. Is that possible? I find it hard to believe.
And why do I find it hard to believe? Easy. I tried it. And in the end, I only came off as Daria instead of Roark and Dominique. I came off as this sarcastic, unfeeling person. And not that its not cool to be identified with a cartoon character, but it wasn't the effect I was shooting for. In the end, I only realized that all I want is the approval of my parents and my grandparents. I can't bear to let people down. Because I feel like the biggest failure. Whether it be as small as giving someone a ride. Or as big as picking a life. I need the approval of these people in my life because I can't help but care. Because if they are around me, I can't help but feel. And yeah, I know it sounds really really sappy, but its the truth, and maybe I'm spilling my heart onto a keyboard, but its your choice whether it affects your view of me. And I can't just go around doing what I love. Maybe if I didn't know them I could. But I know them, and I know what they want of me, and I can't help but think of them whenever I make a decision. So my life is living for them because they make me who I am. If that's shameful, so it is. And not only this, but I always thought that I would want Roark and Dominique's love. Minus the violent sex. But other than that. The fact that it could endure time, even apart from each other. I always thought that this is what love should be. You two against the world. The both of you willing to surrender to each other. Passion. Respect. And you would destroy yourself for the other. And I don't know, I guess I'm a sap. And maybe Roark isn't the picture of the perfect soulmate, but he's someone's.
The reason I like this novel, is because as many times as I read it, as many times as I try to rationalize the events, I can't find the right answer. And I continue to read it, and I continue to find minute details about why I like it. It keeps my mind thinking.
Monday, July 07, 2003
Papa don't preach
My dad wants my sister and I to check out library books. Every summer, I read. Does it sound dorky? Well, I don't know. If it does, than yeah, I'm a geek, and damn proud. I mean, these past summers I read like four books that I had to read in school ahead of time, and I didnt' even know I had to read them. I like to read for fun. But this summer...I don't know, I don't want to. I'm too lazy. I don't see why we have to anyway. I mean, I read a lot. My sister reads a lot. My sister is at a 10th grade literacy level. She's in eighth grade. Call me crazy, but I think we do enough reading.
Hi, I'm seventeen years old, I listen to my dad when he tells me to read and I've spent more time at home than I should.
My sister is watching old home movies. Gosh, I'm a big dork. Those were my skinny days. I was about seven years old. And you know what I was doing? I was talking to the camera like I had my own show, and it was all....game-show-host-like. You know? All fake enthusiasm and stuff. How weird...I remember that too. I used to turn on the camera and talk to it like I had something to say and someone was watching. And I talked about Beverly Hills 90210 because it was my favorite show. And then I remember this one time I was yelling at my dad because he was yelling at me and he said, "Why are you yelling?" and I said, "Because I learned it from you!" Yup, I was nine years old. What a little punk I was.
That was my dose of nostalgia today. I'll go wash it down with some Jack Daniels, my favorite guy friend. Just kidding. Its really amusing.
My dad wants my sister and I to check out library books. Every summer, I read. Does it sound dorky? Well, I don't know. If it does, than yeah, I'm a geek, and damn proud. I mean, these past summers I read like four books that I had to read in school ahead of time, and I didnt' even know I had to read them. I like to read for fun. But this summer...I don't know, I don't want to. I'm too lazy. I don't see why we have to anyway. I mean, I read a lot. My sister reads a lot. My sister is at a 10th grade literacy level. She's in eighth grade. Call me crazy, but I think we do enough reading.
Hi, I'm seventeen years old, I listen to my dad when he tells me to read and I've spent more time at home than I should.
My sister is watching old home movies. Gosh, I'm a big dork. Those were my skinny days. I was about seven years old. And you know what I was doing? I was talking to the camera like I had my own show, and it was all....game-show-host-like. You know? All fake enthusiasm and stuff. How weird...I remember that too. I used to turn on the camera and talk to it like I had something to say and someone was watching. And I talked about Beverly Hills 90210 because it was my favorite show. And then I remember this one time I was yelling at my dad because he was yelling at me and he said, "Why are you yelling?" and I said, "Because I learned it from you!" Yup, I was nine years old. What a little punk I was.
That was my dose of nostalgia today. I'll go wash it down with some Jack Daniels, my favorite guy friend. Just kidding. Its really amusing.
I'll run away with you
I have a bad case of everything-block. Its like writer's block, but a lot worse. Because it is everything-block. I can't do anything. I tried to write. Couldn't. Tried to sketch. Couldn't. There was one thing I did manage to do, though. Excercise. Tomorrow, there will be some soreness, but whatever. I must lose this extra bulk. I'm too short to have it. My mom said that when I came back last summer, I was skinnier, darker, and I was a whole different person. But now I've turned into the regular me, only I'm lazier, fatter, lighter, and just a more severe case than last time. I managed to make my life into a routine. And its not helping that I'm depressed because of my new college prospects. I don't even want to go to college. But then when I find out I cannot get into my top choice universities, I am totally bummed out. So in summation, I am totally bummed, have everything-block, have not seen anyone I am not related to in a couple of weeks, will not get into a good university, and am bipolar. Well, anyway, today I had no funky fantasy. I just started dancing.
I have a bad case of everything-block. Its like writer's block, but a lot worse. Because it is everything-block. I can't do anything. I tried to write. Couldn't. Tried to sketch. Couldn't. There was one thing I did manage to do, though. Excercise. Tomorrow, there will be some soreness, but whatever. I must lose this extra bulk. I'm too short to have it. My mom said that when I came back last summer, I was skinnier, darker, and I was a whole different person. But now I've turned into the regular me, only I'm lazier, fatter, lighter, and just a more severe case than last time. I managed to make my life into a routine. And its not helping that I'm depressed because of my new college prospects. I don't even want to go to college. But then when I find out I cannot get into my top choice universities, I am totally bummed out. So in summation, I am totally bummed, have everything-block, have not seen anyone I am not related to in a couple of weeks, will not get into a good university, and am bipolar. Well, anyway, today I had no funky fantasy. I just started dancing.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
Faith works both ways
Sometimes I get funky fantasies out of nowhere. Don't get any ideas. I'm not talking about those kind of fantasies, alright? I'm talking about the i'm-walking-out-of-the-bathroom-and-i-suddenly-picture-myself-joining-the-posse-in-a-choreographed-dance-sequence. Yeah, I'm not shitting you. Or I have the strange urge to talk into a camera as if this is the Truman Show or something. But of course, Jim Carrey did not talk into the camera until the end of that movie. He suspected though...anyway, I'm babbling. The other day while I was lying in bed, I was just thinking. All of a friggin sudden, I hear music. No shit. I heard music. You know what it was? I accidently turned on my stereo. haha. That's it. Yeah. There was no point to that little story. So ignore it. And I'm sure you're sitting there confused. But how many times in a day do I fantasize about Indiana Jones breaking through the window and asking me for help to find the secret treasure mentioned in some ancient scripts, and then I go and it turns out Vince Carter is a top secret contact for the government because he's actually a genius, and then Indy, Vince, and I go out, kick ass, and find the treasure, meaning a great archeological advancement and somehow salvation for humankind? Well, you tell me, bud. You tell me.
Sometimes I get funky fantasies out of nowhere. Don't get any ideas. I'm not talking about those kind of fantasies, alright? I'm talking about the i'm-walking-out-of-the-bathroom-and-i-suddenly-picture-myself-joining-the-posse-in-a-choreographed-dance-sequence. Yeah, I'm not shitting you. Or I have the strange urge to talk into a camera as if this is the Truman Show or something. But of course, Jim Carrey did not talk into the camera until the end of that movie. He suspected though...anyway, I'm babbling. The other day while I was lying in bed, I was just thinking. All of a friggin sudden, I hear music. No shit. I heard music. You know what it was? I accidently turned on my stereo. haha. That's it. Yeah. There was no point to that little story. So ignore it. And I'm sure you're sitting there confused. But how many times in a day do I fantasize about Indiana Jones breaking through the window and asking me for help to find the secret treasure mentioned in some ancient scripts, and then I go and it turns out Vince Carter is a top secret contact for the government because he's actually a genius, and then Indy, Vince, and I go out, kick ass, and find the treasure, meaning a great archeological advancement and somehow salvation for humankind? Well, you tell me, bud. You tell me.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Yellowcard is the shit
So I lived two days with superstraight hair. Yup. And it was superstraight. I'm not joking. You might be laughing right now, but it's not a joke. It was really weird, because I'm not used to my hair being so close to my head, it usually is so far out there because of the frizz and curls. But yeah, it was like the twilight zone, and I felt totally self-conscious, and I swear I have the ability to look like Boy George minus the braids. Once everyone got over the initial shock, it all just kind of set in, and then came the stares. But I didn't really go out. Just to my aunt's house and the video store. I must say, this is the most uneventful summer ever. I mean...I haven't even really been a room with more than 20 people since we came back from Vegas.
Things I am looking forward to:
--School. Unbelievable. That whole time I've had this blog, I complained and complained about school. Truth is, my life surrounds school. And whatever, its pitiful, and its lame, but I think I actually enjoyed going to Chem AP and writing those essays for Catollico and even some for Mateer.
--Engineering Program in August. It was pretty fun last time, and its just a rad feeling for me when I get an idea and work on a puzzle like we did. That was pretty awesome.
--July 18. I Capture the Castle opens at the Camera. I read the book last summer and I was totally impressed. I mean, I think I even sent some forlorn-sounding emails to people saying that if ever I was in a situation like Cassandra with Stephen, I wouldn't be a stupidass about it. And I so would not go for the old American instead of the handsome young Englishman.
--December. College Apps will be over. And I can just relax with my easy schedule.
--Guitar 1. Dude, its been on my wall for four years. I think its about time I learn how to play it and start to rock out.
--The end of summer. No more babysitting lazy cousins. No more sitting on my ass all day. No more of these thoughts revolving only around college, because I'll have more to think about. I just want to clutter my mind with stuff that seem important and avoid the real issues like a normal person.
--edit: The Dead Zone season premiere on Sunday. I love that show, dude.
If summer were a bee, can someone ask it to sting me?
So I lived two days with superstraight hair. Yup. And it was superstraight. I'm not joking. You might be laughing right now, but it's not a joke. It was really weird, because I'm not used to my hair being so close to my head, it usually is so far out there because of the frizz and curls. But yeah, it was like the twilight zone, and I felt totally self-conscious, and I swear I have the ability to look like Boy George minus the braids. Once everyone got over the initial shock, it all just kind of set in, and then came the stares. But I didn't really go out. Just to my aunt's house and the video store. I must say, this is the most uneventful summer ever. I mean...I haven't even really been a room with more than 20 people since we came back from Vegas.
Things I am looking forward to:
--School. Unbelievable. That whole time I've had this blog, I complained and complained about school. Truth is, my life surrounds school. And whatever, its pitiful, and its lame, but I think I actually enjoyed going to Chem AP and writing those essays for Catollico and even some for Mateer.
--Engineering Program in August. It was pretty fun last time, and its just a rad feeling for me when I get an idea and work on a puzzle like we did. That was pretty awesome.
--July 18. I Capture the Castle opens at the Camera. I read the book last summer and I was totally impressed. I mean, I think I even sent some forlorn-sounding emails to people saying that if ever I was in a situation like Cassandra with Stephen, I wouldn't be a stupidass about it. And I so would not go for the old American instead of the handsome young Englishman.
--December. College Apps will be over. And I can just relax with my easy schedule.
--Guitar 1. Dude, its been on my wall for four years. I think its about time I learn how to play it and start to rock out.
--The end of summer. No more babysitting lazy cousins. No more sitting on my ass all day. No more of these thoughts revolving only around college, because I'll have more to think about. I just want to clutter my mind with stuff that seem important and avoid the real issues like a normal person.
--edit: The Dead Zone season premiere on Sunday. I love that show, dude.
If summer were a bee, can someone ask it to sting me?
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
The plan
The plan is totally screwed up. Man, this sucks. Initially, the plan was to get into Berkeley or Davis and major in Biomedical Engineering and Bioengineering. But see...I doubt I can get into Berkeley or Davis. And you know what? State doesn't even have those majors. So...now I have to think of some other plan. I need to talk to my counselor as soon as school starts and tell her I need some valium. This makes me sick. And when I talk to everyone...I totally lie...like everything is fine and I can so land these schools...but its such a bad act. I mean...fuck. I need to think of something I want to do in this life. How depressing is that? "Sorry, you can't do this. You're not smart enough. I don't care if its part of your life plan. This just doesn't belong in your life, and you don't belong in it." I feel like shit. I think this is how people become teachers who don't initially want to become teachers. They somehow screw up on their plan, and veer off their course, and next thing they know...they're calling the principal's office informing the nurse that little Timmy is on his way and she should call his mom because Timmy had a little bit of a stinky accident. Wonderful. Abso-friggin-lutely great. If that somehow comes to be my life...I think I'll make a rule against not using the restroom: I don't care if you don't have to go...I know your mom doesn't want you to hold yours shits and tinkles, so you better take one when the class takes the trip together to the restroom at the end of every two hours. Does that sound wrong? Well, kids should take pisses in the toilet, not in the pantalones...
whatever, I've just made myself laugh.
The plan is totally screwed up. Man, this sucks. Initially, the plan was to get into Berkeley or Davis and major in Biomedical Engineering and Bioengineering. But see...I doubt I can get into Berkeley or Davis. And you know what? State doesn't even have those majors. So...now I have to think of some other plan. I need to talk to my counselor as soon as school starts and tell her I need some valium. This makes me sick. And when I talk to everyone...I totally lie...like everything is fine and I can so land these schools...but its such a bad act. I mean...fuck. I need to think of something I want to do in this life. How depressing is that? "Sorry, you can't do this. You're not smart enough. I don't care if its part of your life plan. This just doesn't belong in your life, and you don't belong in it." I feel like shit. I think this is how people become teachers who don't initially want to become teachers. They somehow screw up on their plan, and veer off their course, and next thing they know...they're calling the principal's office informing the nurse that little Timmy is on his way and she should call his mom because Timmy had a little bit of a stinky accident. Wonderful. Abso-friggin-lutely great. If that somehow comes to be my life...I think I'll make a rule against not using the restroom: I don't care if you don't have to go...I know your mom doesn't want you to hold yours shits and tinkles, so you better take one when the class takes the trip together to the restroom at the end of every two hours. Does that sound wrong? Well, kids should take pisses in the toilet, not in the pantalones...
whatever, I've just made myself laugh.