When all you are is not all you wanted to be.

I was just remembering stuff today. Because I was alone, and as you all know, that's my thinking time. I just thought about the kid I was. I was, and still am, the kid who sits in the backseat who always asks, "Are we there yet?" Because it feels like I haven't reached the destination. This kid always looks ahead, and only thrusts her head back to feel sad, because she never took the time to appreciate all that she had at the time she had it. So everything falls away. And everything turns into a reminder of some sort of failure. But so she looks ahead, unknowingly hurting everything around her. I thought about that kid. I failed that kid. Somehow, I'm still the same person, I've retained the same values. But I am a bit less ambitious, more resigning, more accepting, and a bit wiser. Maybe it was all that time that I hated everyone and everything, and then that time where I thought they hated me. Or maybe its all those eyes watching. Or those eyes I think are watching. I kinda wish I was still that kid, and I had all those dreams. I wish I didn't think so much. It feels like everything passed me while my back was turned or something. Or when I was busy being angry. And now I'm regretful that its gone. I hate to be that lady, that bitter lady, sitting back and hoping for better times while everyone is moving away and moving on. I hate to be that. But then again, I'm nowhere near the person I thought I wanted to be when I was a kid...so I have to admit, I don't know what I want in life. Maybe I want to be able to stand still and just not look forward or back. Just stand in time. I need to stop being alone so often; I hate thinking about this sort of crap.