ON The Offensive

Most days I find myself sitting in my room with nothing to do. I put in a CD I haven't listened to for a while and just sit there. Most nights I think about those words in those songs. And I think about what they are sung for. What is it? Love. Life. Dealing. So I sit there on my bed, sometimes staring at the ceiling, and I wonder. What's happening? What's going on? My head is a jumble of words and thoughts and it seems like the sorting will never end. Then this song comes on. Some song that reminds me of a summer years ago, or that winter my grandparents spent Christmas with us. Everything disappears. And only those words matter. Just the meaning. You never know what I'm thinking.

There is a light that never goes out. There is a light that never goes out.

What's your light? I guess I don't have one. Everything is temporary in my eyes. Changing at a rapid pace and nothing is ever the same again.

I get mail from USC. I'd love to go there. I'd love to be able to be a Trojan or a Spartan or whatever they are. It'll be like Love & Basketball, only really nothing like that. When my dad saw that movie, he said that the girl reminded him of me. Sometimes my dad says stuff like that. I think its his way of pointing out the good in us. Because he's not the kind of guy who will tell you straight out, "You make me proud" or "I'm glad to have you as my daughter." He's very emotionally challenged and his inability has been passed on to me, I don't know about my sister. I act stupid and often feel like no one cares. And even if they do, I'd rather they didn't.

What's wrong with me? Everything. I'm broken. Broke. Some days I wonder when it'll be over. Other days, I'm scared out of my wits and I bawl under my blankets, begging for more time. We live in a big paradox. Everyone condemns mistakes made in the past and never hesitate to repeat them. We live, but most of the time it isn't for ourselves. We lose meaning while we so firmly try to gasp on to a purpose. Sometimes I'd like to fast forward to the end of it all just to see how everything turns out. I want to read the last page of the book. Prepare myself for what's to come. But that can't happen. Because what will happen is only for the eyes of the divine and for us to live out. Though it may be brutal. Though happiness may not be part of the path. Sounds cruel. Is it better to have lived than to never have lived at all?

I don't know anymore.