Winter.

So again on this long ride of always-gonna-be-sad-moodswinging. I don't know what it is. It seems alright when I'm awake and I'm around people, like at school, or chatting or something, but at the end of the day, its just me all by myself. And I know its bad because today I caught myself doing I do often. I was chanting I don't care to myself in my head thinking really hard. I'm trying to make all these things go away. Like how I'm thinking about what I want do with my life when I'm not even sure what I want to eat for dinner right now, or how I always feel surges of anger at certain times, or how I can't help myself from feeling so sad that I wish I weren't around anymore, or when I feel alone, or how when it feels like I have so many things to say, it feels like I have to keep it quiet because no one wants to hear it. I think I'm good at putting on my character. And if you could know what I really thought you'd know that I'm really just a mess. I'm sad all the time. When I'm alone I feel like shit because I feel like I have done such a disservice to myself all the time because I'm so passive and there are a million things I hate about myself. I have no self-discipline. I'm lazy, careless. And for those of you who get this, and understand this, and know this and I don't even have to tell you, congratulations, you see through me. But its hard to see through me right? Because you're reading this and you're thinking, "What the fuck? She's got issues..." And I do. Its in me. Because I'm everybody's little bitch, and when I think for myself it isn't very pleasant. I'm wondering now about what this is all for. Why must I explode. I have anger but I don't know where to direct it. And sadness targets me. Maybe its contagious, so if you're sad, recover before you come see me. So many things in my head....and I want to push it all out and just sit down somewhere and close my eyes and listen to music and songs that make my heart pump. I feel alive when I think of things. Usually the future. But how can I think of the future when I can't deal with now? You're used to this rambling by now. Its been a year or rants and ramblings. Congratulations again. Because maybe you've been seeing through me all along.