Shovels digging, me waiting.

I know what my problem is. Its a woman problem, if you know what I mean, and it only began today. Though it came really soon this month. Whatta fucker. "Fucker" is my most commonly used word nowadays. Yell at my sister, "Fucker." Car cuts me off, "Learn how to drive, FUCKER!" Get a 'B,' "Fucker!" Forgot to study, "Fucker." Everyone's a fucker. Everything sucks.

Today was really pretty short. I went home after third period because of the aforementioned problem. I just couldn't take it anymore...and if you're a woman, you'll understand. That's a good thing about being a driver. You have a car. Well, I guess a driver with a car. Just because you're a driver doesn't necessarily mean you have a car. But yeah. Then I went with my mom to go pick up my glasses and contact lenses. My glasses are trippy. They distort everything. When I look forward, its all good, but then if I look out to the sides, everything looks compressed. So we're supposed to go back tomorrow. But I have my contacts. They're pretty cool colors. Grey and Brown. And my eyes aren't brown, they're kind of black naturally. Which is kind of funny, too. Because when we were at the doctor's office and I was trying them on, I said, "Okay, sure I'll try the brown, but I don't think it'd change much." And I laughed like a loser, and I was proved wrong. My mom likes grey on me. I don't know why. Maybe she wants her daughters to look like wolves. But whatever. That's up to her.

I wish I had more stories to tell. Oh yeah, I was driving out of my court, and I saw a pumpkin in one of the neighbor's doorway. My dad said that that neighbor was an alcoholic because he always saw bottles of beer around their house. So I thought about how that guy can be an alcoholic when he obviously cares about his kids enough as to do this Halloween stuff with them. He must care. Because he will carve pumpkins with his kids, bring them to a patch to pick them, and put them in the door for that one night. I remember when my dad used to take my sister and I to pick out the pumpkins. And then we'd go in the backyard and carve them, scoop out all the guts, decorate it. And he'd help us. I'm afraid that I've made my dad to be this careless guy who was backed into fatherhood. But really, I don't think he is. I think he really cares. I think he's desperate to provide for us what he can, and give us what he never had growing up in the Philippines. He is and always was there to pick us up from the mall or me from Great America at 11 o'clock at night. I don't think he'd ever be the dad to leave us somewhere and tell us to get a ride from friends. And I also notice how he kind of seems bored nowadays. Lazy and bored on the days he's home. I don't know what makes my dad happy. But I'd like to think that he is. I worry that he isn't. I wonder if its about our financial difficulties or about my sister and I growing up. Because I know I kind of feel bad for leaving next year. But I feel like I have to. I don't know. I wish I did.

Still listening to Further Seems Forever and it still makes me feel sad.

Tomorrow, no school until 10 o'clock in the morning. Woohoo!