Deja Entendu

Brand New makes me feel the same as when I listen to Trust Company. Which makes me feel like its a soundtrack for aggression. I feel like kicking ass. I want to beat someone up until he bleeds. I want to swing a bat into the wall and watch it shatter into wooden splinters. I want to fuckin' jump off a tall bridge into cold water that seeps into your skin and pierces your bones so that I can shake all this out of my mind. I want to kick a hole in the wall. I want to fucking tear off these stupid Calvin Klein pajama bottoms. I want to smash my guitar because I'm tired of looking at it. I want to throw this computer out of my window. I hate staring at my buddy list because I don't care. Its quiet and lonely on this end. I want to start over anew and take all these mistakes as far away as possible. This is pointless. I need a punching bag. I want to fucking jump and scream and yell all I want and use all the obscenities I can think of and not be called unladylike, because I don't want to talk in a soft voice anymore, what the fuck, I want to scream at you. I want to stand up to him. I want to punch some sense into his narrow mind. aAh. He's killing her. She's killing herself. He's selfish. I want to escape from this warped family. Where I was born and bred to believe that these are the good people, when these are the people we should not be. I hate looking into their lives and seeing dysfunction where I believed function to lie. Lie Lie Lie. All lies. How can we respect him now? How can we look him in the eye and act like we're five years old and he's older and wiser. Wiser? Years have not brought him wisdom, just strife and grief and still STILL he committs his sins. Same sins he's committed those years past. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of acting like I should look up to someone like you. I want you to know it. I want you to know that you don't deserve the respect that you are given.

I'm not the vindictive type. I'm the type to write it all down and then tear it all up and then do it all over again when the feelings return. I'll suck it up and act fake to those I detest. Civility is a virtue. Diplomacy. You think I'm shitting you? Then you're completely shitfaced.