Fuck the clams.

So here I am, on a Saturday afternoon, in front of my friggin computer, still in the sweats I slept in. Is it obvious that I am just a tad pissed off? I was looking forward to getting fatter today with clam chowder, but Nooooooooo, because my friggin uncle is a flake. Grr. Two r's. I'm not that pissed. I read a lot of The Great Gatsby today. I had forgotten how every word is significant. People may think it is tedious, but it all represents something. There is one part in particular, which I highlighted in my book, where Nick describes how Gatsby should be let down by Daisy because she cannot be all that he imagined. But Gatsby has her so built up in his imagination, that he cannot see through the reality. I was writing an email to my friend from Andover last night. I was saying this to her. Saying to her that this certain person who would be my Daisy, in the general context of the situation, is not who I am imagining. He cannot even compete with this guy in my head. I mean, this guy in my head is so perfect. I was telling that to her. So last night I decided to just stop whatever this is that I'm doing, because it is pointless. I was wise last night.

I was also an insomniac. I was looking for a storyline; a plot for a story. It so consumed me last night. I tried to calm myself down, close my eyes and sleep, but I couldn't. My radio was on. I thought about the words to the songs I was listening to. Didn't help. I am in such a rut. I want to actually finish a story. I have about a dozen of stories, I've started but never finished. EVERYTHING IS FUCKIN UNFINISHED.

Right now, I am so bored that I hate life. Yeah, I do that occassionally. I wish that it was more exciting on this end. Maybe if MY DAD DIDN'T ALWAYS FUCKING GO OUT ON THE WEEKENDS AND NOT FUCKING TELL US WHERE THE FUCK HE IS GOING AS IF HE'S DOING SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG, I wouldn't feel like I was a stranger in this friggin house. I am PISSED off. I can't find a good storyline. I can't go out. I am stuck here. There is just a huge anchor that is pulling me down ALWAYS. This is the beginning of the downfall that lasts about two weeks and then goes away when the transitory happiness sets in. Then it all begins again. FUCKIN CYCLE! I am so Bored.