Away from here is what I need.

I was contemplating whether or not I should enter what I'm really feeling, but that would be to morbid. I thought maybe I should express it in a poem, but again...morbid. All I can say is that I know they ask me to help them and by helping them I'm doing good, but...why me? Because I'm Vanessa. "Vanessa can you watch the kids?" "Manang Vanessa take me out." "Vanessa take some time out of your day to type my resume which will take about a couple hours because of all of the necessary details in the format." "Manang, I threw up. Will you clean it up?" Yes, yes, yes, and finally, YES. Why? Because that's me. I never go out. I'm the oldest. I'm being a good person. I'm helping. They trust me. But its so stressful. Sometimes, I just want to close my eyes and disappear into that darkness. They always depend on me. They always tell me what to do and who to be. "Be a nurse and I'll finance your college career." What about being what I want to be, Tita? What about being happy? No, because that doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. I knew I was going to sink again. I wish I could just run away. One day I will, when everyone is sleeping and I'll leave a letter and I'll tell them this, because I can't take it anymore. I won't be here forever, but they act like I'll always be here to do it. Ask Manong Stanley. Ask him. He's the oldest. He's the one who's supposed to carry all of this responsiblity. Instead, he gets to drop out of college and live with his parents and never see us and be out at all hours. What's the point? He got it good. Somehow he slipped under the radar. I feel so friggin down. There's too much to do, but I'm not dedicated enough. Sometimes I will get in the car and hope that somehow I will be the only one lost. In your house I long to be. Room by room patiently. I'll wait for you there. Like a stone. I don't think its about love. I think its about life. Being down. Giving up. I thought I wouldn't be morbid. Look, ten minutes of being exactly what I said I wouldn't be. Sorry.