I think I'm sad.

I don't know what it is. I guess it just comes and then goes, but it never really leaves--in the permanent sense of course. I don't know. Maybe its this music that I've been listening to for the past couple days. Its so slow and sad. But the lyrics are so profound and meaningful. I don't know. I'm not sure that "Whitman with a band" is good for me anymore. Maybe I should have something more hopeful. Even if it false hopefulness. Like "Richard Simmons with a band." Because then, at least, I will be fake-happy and thin. Heh. Last night while I was watching The Dead Zone, I think I felt my heart ache. Seriously. It had this funny feeling. Like it was vibrating or something. Like it hurt. I really don't know why. I mean, the events of the show are sad, but I'm sure that it would not cause anyone's heart to ache. Either that or it just felt like I was not doing enough cardio exercises and decided to do a flip. Either way, I think I am deeply disturbed. Reminds me of The Bell Jar. I feel like the protagonist. Smart. Suicidal. Eh. I really do feel like a cigarette right now, folks. I wasn't really joking the first time. I have a feeling that when I grow up I will become a very bitter, chain-smoking, frigid woman. What road am I traveling on? I want to get the fuck off. Because it feels like if I continue this, I will be lonely and bitter like my fifth-grade teacher. And obese. One word just keep running through my head right now. Nothing. When I can explain that to myself, I'll explain it to you. Then we can have a great big View-esque discussion, with coffee, big hair, lipstick and everything. And we'll laugh and insult one another. Then we'll talk shit about the guests. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like a friggin song.