Staying

I almost did it today. I almost gave into it. I almost lost the five year battle, and it continues still. Things like this just don't get to be closed out. You can't tune these feelings out. They stay. They've stayed longer with me than I ever expected. All I can come up with is that no one deserves to feel this way, but so many people do. That hurts. When your friend tells you this, or when your little twelve-year-old sister, or your young cousins. "Why is life worth living?" I beg to know, too. I'm waiting for an answer, and that's why I'm still here. I would have given in years ago...but I'm such a "coward" I couldn't bring myself to do it. Tonight I wanted to get drunk by the bottle of whiskey in the cupboard and take the knife and maybe a pad and leave a note...I could have prepared one for everyone I know...its just better this way...but...tonight my sister said some things to me that break my heart. Cousin, Anthony, if you're reading this, I want you to know this: don't do it. Don't give in. We can't be weak. Not us. Not this family. We're too close. There are too many people looking at you. When they see that you've been suffering for so long...and no one sees me. I think I'm clinically depressed. This will be my last sad blog in here. If I ever have anything else to say that involves my depression it will be somewhere else...I'll create a page and create a link. Its dark where I am right now. How do you fix the inside? How do you fix the inside? I'm broken. Too many shattered pieces. Every dream I've ever had suddenly has no meaning if I can't make it happen. I have to fix this because there are just too many people watching me....I'm sorry, so much. Friends, I'll still be here tomorrow, regrettably. I'll stick this out until the end. We all should, and maybe I'll make an attempt. When you see me at school, don't talk to me about this. Don't tell me not to do anything. All you'll ever get out of me is a painful smile and maybe even teary eyes. I hate being a burden to anyone. I'll only be a burden to me from now on. I'm not going to delete this blog...I need a reminder...I need to know...this serves only for me and as a letter to you. But it needs no response. I'm trying to stay.