my favorite valentine's day song, valentine or not. "will you be my valentine, if i'm a world away? apologies are breaking me, constants aren't so constant anymore."

the greatest burden: memory.

it never leaves. no matter how far you push it, it will always be there.

this is my tumblr strike refuge. no one suspects that i dump my thoughts here at all anymore. but the truth is, this is where i've always dumped my thoughts. i just haven't pressed publish. anyway. hi!

this is going to be the first time i actually press "publish post" on this blog. i use it usually to just track my thoughts, and the past few months, when i read back on those posts, my heart breaks all over again. so i've been avoiding this blog-spot. because i know if i read what i wrote it'll be like me picking at the scabs. so i won't.

anyway, blogger. according to my published site, i haven't written in about a year or so? maybe more. so in a nutshell, my life is completely opposite of what it was then. i'm happy and alone. whereas i was not so happy and not so alone. but that's the price you pay for matters of the heart. if the heart is filled, is that not happiness? anyway. so that's done. and it has been for the past two seasons of the year. going on 3 now. and with every season it hurts a little less, and i forget specific things. like the touch, the kiss, the flutter in my chest...or i try to. but that's the point, i try to.

it's almost finals. and i spent the last three months avoiding my responsibilities. saying yes to fun. and in the process saying yes to screw myself. notlooking forward to it. anyway, hit u up later blogger. later.

i don't understand how someone can tell i'm wrong for feeling a certain way when my worst fear seems to be becoming real. how do you assure me that's not gonna stop? how can you assure me it won't get that far? how am i wrong? and worst part is, why don't you understand this?

"but then i started to think. one morning i woke up thinking about it. why. why me. is it still happening? how do believe a liar? how can i know? i don't like taking risks. i don't want to take this risk because the last time i did, i was paralyzed for a while. it was impossible to do anything. but i can't afford that. but can i afford not having this in my life? can i afford losing the only person i ever loved? the only person i cared about so much? i invested five years in this. from friendship to love. to what? nothing? or to everthing. how do i protect my heart? i wonder. "

Dramatics.

How about you try being cheated on? How about that? How about you try looking at someone and realizing you don't know them at all. That they lied to you... for how long? That they said the same things to someone else that you thought would only be meant for you. And you realize you were nothing special. If you were special, it would have been worked on. It would have been talked about, but no, instead, you were given up on and still kept around for the warmth and the default kisses. And you cry and you wonder, maybe I did something wrong. I picked too many fights. I wasn't enough, she was more attractive than I'll ever be. And yet you want to take the cheater back just to go back to normal and forget that anything ever happened, and in your mind and in your heart you keep running things on replay. Every day. All night. So you find other ways to hide it, you find other ways to forget it. But you can't. And every drink becomes a night of binge drinking, and you get sick of the taste in your mouth because it leaves you unsatisfied and disgusted at yourself for even GIVING your heart away. YOU trust. You trusted. You were taken advantage of. A good friend once told me, a good friend who is not the worst human being on earth, "If you hurt this much, it means you did your part, and the person was dumb enough to take advantage of that." And yeah, it hurts hella hard when you give it all you got and through all the arguments and the shit you were supposed to get through TOGETHER, you really went through alone, when that person already left to find someone else. ALL IN VAIN. WHEN SHIT GETS HARD, YOU DON'T FUCKIN CHEAT.

Everyone who has ever been cheated on is spitting on you right now. You be cheated on. I would love to see it, for you to finally be the one who is hurt and has the right to hurt. No one makes you cheat. Its not a reflex for miscommunication.

And the only reason people keep bringing it up is because you talk about it incessantly, and dramatize over every single thing like you're going to die from it. You're lucky that anyone has the courage to even try to set you straight. Instead of letting you continue thinking you were forced to cheat. That is the WEAKEST statement I know.

Coldest Winter

I realized something...or rather...I remembered something.

Somehow though...I forgot.

The first day of the year was spent working a very boring shift at Best Buy and playing games with my cousins. Something to take me outside of my mind, which is like a prison cell waiting for me. It's solitary confinement. There is really no reward for thinking. Anyway...I guess what I realized is that my cousins can always carry me out of the slumps. Even if they don't know I'm slumping they still do...one day I will thank them.

Today I learned I have a friend who I never really assumed to be a true friend, but who I realize is. It's suprising the ones who come to defend you when you are beating on yourself.

"You don't know what you got till it's gone." --too true.

Maybe I need to fix myself before I can move forward and be truly happy and satisfied. When telling some people that I wanted to change...to completely change...they told me I didn't have to. If only they knew. If only they knew what I have done.

There's no permanence in this world.

Added to the list of resolutions: no more energy drinks. and...win back my losses.

I said I didn't like this year...but someone that I respect and care for says that "it's only been a day" this is true.

That is why we will just wait and see.

Lesson of the day: Be thankful for what you have and don't ask for more than what you're given.

Love. Wish I had love.