"but then i started to think. one morning i woke up thinking about it. why. why me. is it still happening? how do believe a liar? how can i know? i don't like taking risks. i don't want to take this risk because the last time i did, i was paralyzed for a while. it was impossible to do anything. but i can't afford that. but can i afford not having this in my life? can i afford losing the only person i ever loved? the only person i cared about so much? i invested five years in this. from friendship to love. to what? nothing? or to everthing. how do i protect my heart? i wonder. "

Dramatics.

How about you try being cheated on? How about that? How about you try looking at someone and realizing you don't know them at all. That they lied to you... for how long? That they said the same things to someone else that you thought would only be meant for you. And you realize you were nothing special. If you were special, it would have been worked on. It would have been talked about, but no, instead, you were given up on and still kept around for the warmth and the default kisses. And you cry and you wonder, maybe I did something wrong. I picked too many fights. I wasn't enough, she was more attractive than I'll ever be. And yet you want to take the cheater back just to go back to normal and forget that anything ever happened, and in your mind and in your heart you keep running things on replay. Every day. All night. So you find other ways to hide it, you find other ways to forget it. But you can't. And every drink becomes a night of binge drinking, and you get sick of the taste in your mouth because it leaves you unsatisfied and disgusted at yourself for even GIVING your heart away. YOU trust. You trusted. You were taken advantage of. A good friend once told me, a good friend who is not the worst human being on earth, "If you hurt this much, it means you did your part, and the person was dumb enough to take advantage of that." And yeah, it hurts hella hard when you give it all you got and through all the arguments and the shit you were supposed to get through TOGETHER, you really went through alone, when that person already left to find someone else. ALL IN VAIN. WHEN SHIT GETS HARD, YOU DON'T FUCKIN CHEAT.

Everyone who has ever been cheated on is spitting on you right now. You be cheated on. I would love to see it, for you to finally be the one who is hurt and has the right to hurt. No one makes you cheat. Its not a reflex for miscommunication.

And the only reason people keep bringing it up is because you talk about it incessantly, and dramatize over every single thing like you're going to die from it. You're lucky that anyone has the courage to even try to set you straight. Instead of letting you continue thinking you were forced to cheat. That is the WEAKEST statement I know.

Coldest Winter

I realized something...or rather...I remembered something.

Somehow though...I forgot.

The first day of the year was spent working a very boring shift at Best Buy and playing games with my cousins. Something to take me outside of my mind, which is like a prison cell waiting for me. It's solitary confinement. There is really no reward for thinking. Anyway...I guess what I realized is that my cousins can always carry me out of the slumps. Even if they don't know I'm slumping they still do...one day I will thank them.

Today I learned I have a friend who I never really assumed to be a true friend, but who I realize is. It's suprising the ones who come to defend you when you are beating on yourself.

"You don't know what you got till it's gone." --too true.

Maybe I need to fix myself before I can move forward and be truly happy and satisfied. When telling some people that I wanted to change...to completely change...they told me I didn't have to. If only they knew. If only they knew what I have done.

There's no permanence in this world.

Added to the list of resolutions: no more energy drinks. and...win back my losses.

I said I didn't like this year...but someone that I respect and care for says that "it's only been a day" this is true.

That is why we will just wait and see.

Lesson of the day: Be thankful for what you have and don't ask for more than what you're given.

Love. Wish I had love.

Tabula Rasa

I guess this time is a good time as any to start writing again.

It's 2009. I started this blog when I was 16. That was six, almost seven years ago...and right now...this is the first time that I'm glad that I made this thing. This may very well be the thing that saves me. This is my wonderwall. Here I put my thoughts...

2008...I made a lot of mistakes. I thought I knew everything, but I knew nothing. There were a lot of lessons waiting for me, and to this day...on this day, I realize all of them.

My biggest flaw: I know all my flaws. I've always said this...if you know all of your flaws, then you have the power to change them. Change is the key to existence. We have to adapt, if not for the ability to change we may not be able to protect ourselves...whether in a biological sense...or in an emotional sense. I guess I just wasn't flexible enough this year. I didn't bend when I was supposed to, instead I stood my ground hoping that no one would notice that I lied when I said I would change. But it's hard...its hard to change! Especially when you can't ignore something...how do you know when you're being stubborn or when you're being bold?

I never readjusted my study habits. I said I would. I thought that maybe the threat of failure could kick my ass...but I realize that is a job for only me to do. No one can kick my ass but me.

I think I just lost the war I wanted to win. I lost the most important thing.

2009 should be good, because there's nowhere to go from here but up. Maybe I'll rearrange my room for a new start....clean everything out. Maybe I'll relearn my guitar...or make bigger paintings...maybe I should just redo all my goals from 2008 because there were none.

Goals:
--Visit the gym at least once a week. If I pay...I must use! Or else...cancel. Hah.
--Cancel netflix and get blockbuster. I'm so bad at this.
--"i'm just so bored of wasting my time, love and death are always on my mind"...one day these words will lose their meaning to me...hopefully.
--Be a better cousin...daughter...friend. I know...I was terrible at this last year. Maybe I'll be better at this this year...hah.
--And the last one is to change. Stop being something that people break themselves against...start being the cushion. Stop being angry. Start being happy. I want something back...I want it all back.
--Take one good trip. Maybe to Disneyland with the cousins? Let's go to Seattle...always wanted to. Boston? Make it good.

Lastly...I will make sure that by the end of 2009...I will be ready to graduate in 2010. P.s. I should move up to the city next year.

I will i will i will i will i will i will i will i will i will. Its a promise. It's a commitment.

I hope all of you keep the goals you set out to do. Whoever the hell reads this anymore.

You have my heart, 2008.

countdowning.

i am drowning in 2008. it's all around me. everything from 2008 reeks all over...on my sheets, on my skin...though it was a good year, i'm sitting here reeling from it. it's something i right now would love to forget. so...2008...here's what i remember.

1. Kappa comebacks. Gotta love em. Gotta love finding that inspiration all over again.

2. New additions. to family. Watching Kayla grow in her first year on this earth has been a blessing. And it brought all of us together. Family is the one thing that I can count on to be here amidst my failures and theirs.

3. My best friends. Whether it was grabbin a drink with Noemi or sitting and watching TV with DCruz...we were growing up this year. Hopefully not growing apart.

4. Still being in school. Bummer. I failed a class too. 2008, I was supposed to graduate. Once upon a time, I really believed it. Now, it's impossible, because it's already passed.

5. To now. I wish that this year could have ended a couple days ago, then it would have ended well. Now it's like 2009 is starting on the failures of 2008.

Oh well. Deal with it, I guess. God I want a beer so bad. I want to be 20 years old. I want to get back my year and make a few changes. Any bad habits, wanted. Right here. Anything to make my mind stop....please.

"so this is the new year and i don't feel any different/ the clanking of crystal, explosions off in the distance/ in the distance.../ so this is the new year/ and i have no resolutions" -dcfc

beggers can't be choosers.

which describes what i've lived my life against since i've been born.

but, beggers can't be choosers. not at all.

you can't spend more than you have, you can't ask for more than you deserve, and you can't complain about what you're given.

i hope 2009 takes care of me. i hope it takes care of us.

Welcome Home

It's been a couple months!

Well, it is Thanksgiving, so Happy Thanksgiving to you!

This is what I'm thankful for:
--Thank you for my family. I love them. I love every one of my cousins and I am not lying when I say I would do absolutely anything for them. And I will try to protect them from whatever I can, because they are bigger than me. What they stand for is more than me. Though we all make mistakes...we are all still here. And even if it takes some unfortunate circumstances to bring us together...here we are. It's all LOVE.

--Thank you for another Thanksgiving. Times get tough, and you have days that you say, "Fuck it, who asked to be here" no one did, it's the same deal with the next person, so guess what...you do what you gotta do. It was a good year.

--Thank you for good friends. Thank you for I guess the best friends I have...Retention sucks in this world. With everyone moving in their respective directions it is easy to lose touch, but my best friends know who they are, and they know that all we need is a beer and place to sit and all is connected.

--Thank you for KPsiE. This is probably going to be my last year active. And I feel like everything is coming full circle. From the moment I realized that I was strong, to now...there's no doubt that this organization, though silly to outsiders, has provided me and the womyn I work with room to grow. It's a beautiful struggle, a beautiful mess...a beautiful room when you're with them. You know when you can feel the heart of someone...the dedication, the strength...that's what I feel.

Thank you.

What's been happening in my life lately...I've been lazy. Its hard to get in the groove again, when I feel unmotivated and feel like I'll succeed anyways. I'm taking time foregranted. But...who knows, maybe that will change. It's starting to look a lot like Christmas...I hope you all have a good Thanksgiving.

And remember...there's so much to be thankful for.

Slump

It seems I have been falling into a slump lately. This Summer does not even feel like a Summer, but when does it ever? Haven't I been saying this for the last four years.

So.

Fifth year in college....hmm...not too excited. In my life plans, I would have been done already. But if we're going by that I would have never had an alcoholic phase, moved back home, or be on academic probation. Whoops.

Highlights of the Summer though, I guess...went to Universal Studios with my favorites. The best part of that trip was when we went to a pool hall for our last night. Drunk billiards!!! Everyone should do it.

I also ACED my fricken Chem midterm. HOLLA. After working hella and only studying for three days. Very proud of that one...so I bought myself some speakers for my laptop as reward.

Speaking of laptop...BOUGHT ONE. Haha. It's a baby Toshiba that I'm namin' Toshi. Because I'm creative.

President of the org....that's fun. I am worrying about it a little bit, but I know everything will be okay because I have strong women behind me.

And yeah. That's summer. =T

Now to hw. see ya.